visit to a jewish cemetery

It is a massive and humbling place . 60,000 units and some older than a 100 years wow. 

So fucking scared today

I wore my pride mask today and was insulted by this hairdresser, who is from Tunisia, i guess I need to comply if i don’t want the attention, am i seeking negative attention, i don’t really fucking know. I’m just scared every time i wear that damn mask, and today didn’t help. I keep expecting to get gay bashed. I can’t imagine how openly gay and trans people deal with the anxiety, it must be so constant. As it is, i have PTSD from bullying and being an adult child. So I’m not super comfortable in public but I’m really getting a lot lot better i guess, as i get older, I’m so used to fucking being alone so what’s the harm if i wear this pride mask and announce my sexuality to whomever i encounter. One fucking encounter and now I’m super hyper vigilant. Does it get easier. David said i need to find my tribe. I guess i will. 

Peace and love

Krisen

dear Mom

I am angry and sad that you reached out to me yesterday and told me that you are accepting that you are alone and we are going on with our happy lives. I hate your self pity and I am angry at you for not dealing with your issues. Mom, you lump me in with isai and vash but I am the one who spent a year and a half with you living with you in the 1 bedroom place and then in the basement apartmetn. you helped me tremendously while i was recovering from terrible depression and dealinng with my addictive behaviours. I am sorry for all the fighting and all the verbal and emotional abuse i lent on you. I am sorry for trying to change you and not accepting you as you are. I truly truly want your happiness. I want you to be free and feel loved and give love and feel truly grateful to be alive and live for this day. I want you to experience all the blessings and joy in this life and feel free to enjoy the remainder of your days in bliss, peace and love. I want this for you mom.

how i feel today.

I was on a meeting today and i unmuted while peeing, whoops, i felt a bit of shame but i wasn’t shamed and I’m grateful that people have short memories, i’m so tired of this slow ass phone, but i’m grateful it has 2 lines. right now the fire alarm is going off. I’m listening to a woman on the call who loves to talk, and this asshole who keeps coming up and intimidating people with his long ass rants, I just leave the call after. These fuckers don’t like to time themselves. Ahhh bless and release. take what I need and leave the rest, i know i’ve got some moral superiority here but I just wish that people would play fair, everyone else times themselves. why can’t these fuckers. I’m so very grateful to be journaling on this mac on this computer. Today I spoke with Perry’s friend, Aly, he asked if i was coming out and I told him yes. I don’t know what that means, well maybe it’s i bought a bride pride mask and i’m proudly wearing it. in the beginning I felt scared and now well if i’m bullied or gay bashed it’s going to happen anyway, i might as well let that be for who i am. Man this fire alarm is still going on. So i slept on the floor last night, i was sooo very lonely and i was scared about slipping into an oblivion of isolation, today I will change that, i will go to the gym so that I can at least be in the presence of people, it’s so hard though. I have so much sadness in my eyes, I feel very lonely and alone.

The guy on the call said he’s incapable of asking for help and I so relate to that. i so so relate to feeling lonely and not being able to reach out and ask for help. I so relate to getting used to the chorus in my head of being alone and listening to my voice complain about loneliness and not having the answers. replaying all the times i’ve run, all the failed relationships, all the brutal crushes that caused me so much pain and anxiety. i look at myself with compassion, i’m trying to acknowlege the critic voice in me, try harder, do better, CHANGE….but i realize that I’m just trying to be and look after myself the best that i can.

So much like my dad watch sports and love it. He watched cricket I think it's shit but I know he liked all sports

I feel so good to have some time off, period no justification for taking time off so grateful for just having the rest.

Love the gadgets I have the maccbooks the pcs the ipads the phone the camera. I'm so content with my possessions the TV the air conditioner

Everything about this feels so good. And I'm lonely as fuck. But I feel so rested. The call center drained me. 

The work I'm doing now feels so nice, I'm in a middle of a pandemic and I so appreciate the space to just be. I want our society to be more caring and help others. I want us as a species to love each other. I can be vegan. I can appreciate me.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

My OA sponsor shared this quote with me

 I am a strong, confident, disciplined child of God. I am established today in the awareness that my body is the temple of the living God. All the functions of my body are harmonized, and every organ is doing its perfect work in a perfect way. I am receptive and responsible this day to the divine intelligence within me which knows the needs of my body temple. I will eat sensibly, exercise regularly, and rest sufficiently. I am free from hidden hungers that might lead to excess in eating or drinking. God's love deep within me satisfies my longing heart and fills my soul and body with all that they require to make my life full and complete. My appetite and assimilation of food are in divine order, and my body manifests the symmetry and perfection of God whose expression I am. I see myself in the mirror of Truth, beholding the perfect, ideal form and shape that I desire to express in my body. I see myself thin and healthy and satisfied. Today I will think thin!

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Encounter with a bully

Please God help me express the words with honesty and humility fromm my heart not my head.

I'm so afraid of people places and situations

I just came from the second ccup ccoffee shop. I went to the shop from across the street from where I parked. As soon as I parked the security guard was stalking me, I had my ipad and keyboard in hand and when I saw him I turned back towards him and walked to the tim hortons located in the plaza. I knew he was stalking me. Sat in the tim hortons but didnt like the ambience and then decided to walk out when the guys back was turned but he caught me and started following me. And I stopped and waited at the intersection and he pulled back and then I crossed the street and then he came after me. And told me that if I leave he would tow the car, I was pissed I told him that I'm just going to grab the ccoffee and come back and he said no. So I defiantly said tow the car. And I rushed into the second cup and I was scared of my car being towed and I was panicking and yelled out at them. Guy in front of me said he was in line and I told him I'll wait for him and then he let me go through he saw I was panicked.

Rushed back and guy just walked away from my car and said next time, he took down my plate maybe he's going to call the tow truck next time I'm there. I don't know. I'll talk to the IGA manager. And tell him about the situation..

I shared at ACA that I was defiant and then I was so scared. It really hleped me the sharing today and reading was gold. I love the after meeting of ACA it's such a nice intimate group. The guy that shared Dan is superb..said he's a dragon, not inside the box of the world and it's okay to be unique  and he's got spiritual flesh ‎which noone can see.

Off to the gym.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.