Check in

I really don't know what else to call this post. I missed work today. I felt the fog and then I talked with anthony and then frank and yanis so it's really was a shame filled and sometimes terrifying day for my inner. Grateful to connect with cirrus and setup a fact finding session with Ben on Monday morning. So there it is. I'm in montreal, all I want to do is have some part time love. I'm going thru grief and I feel terribly sad all the fucking time. I am not happy with my belly but I must trust that I'm eating the right portions and let go of everything else. God please help me get through this.

Here's a cool video I took of my training yesterday 

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a journal entry from my ACA meeting.

I feel frustrated that I binged on peanuts last night. ..that I can't just sit with myself and enjoy my own company..that I can't do spontaneous things because I don't know what to do or I'm too tired to do anything other than numb out with food.  I feel like my inner child is playful and adventurous and wants to be loved but he is so sad and so lonely and doesn't know how to fill the void or express the sadness and despair sometimes.

My inner child feels completely betrayed by my inner parent . I don't want to always reach for food to break the loneliness but it's all I know how to do.  It is so very hard and draining 😔
I want to let out the tears of all the loss I felt..of my youth..of my dad passing away..my fractured family. I want to feel the unconditional love that my inner child deserved and rarely received.  I want to feel the stability of love and someone to have my back when I make a mistake or fall on my ass and helps me back up.  I wish I can stop abandoning my inner child through binge eating and adore and cherish him for the absolute beauty he is.

update

I've missed my updates. Im writing this on my new MacBook that has a French keyboard which is so bloody annoying but at the very least the keyboard works, after apple has fixed it. Its also a model up for me and I really appreciate that. I'm at the comfort in hotel, its been a really crazy couple days, I missed work yesterday and I binged on friday night because I came into the hotel and I binged again last night. I was told to find my own place because swaraj is worried about me. And I wasn't prepared for this, I feel used and neglected. I did some reading with Pallavi, she helped me see that this could be a blessing from my higher power because she was causing me a lot of stress. 

I'm leaving this place roughly at 2pm and then I'm going to go to swarajs place to pick up the rest of my stuff. 

been a while since wrote

It’s been a while since i wrote and I’m really grateful to have survived another week. I’ve been feeling very lonely and I’m grateful that D called, I’m really attracted to her, i like the way she listens to me and I know she views me as a friend but I think i love her, i’m just not sure in what way, she has also set some boundaries with me so I can love her while I talk with her and just look elsewhere, I don’t know what I’m really trying to say, I’m just so incredibly fucking tired.

I was happy to make some sales today, It was so slow when I just did one up to 3pm and then after i did 3 in a row and then I just konda stopped because I was tired. I’m okay with my performance today and most of all, I am very happy that I was able to help Frank with his V21 issue, i like how i knew what autoresolve was and I like how i was able to just think through the issue and do it. I was very close to buying some junk today at the gas station, i knew that I just needed some time to recjarge, I wasn’t sure what I needed, i ended up playing some music and that really really helped me. I aslo got a text from Carly and that also helped. So i just needed to unwind.

I just feel so tired now. my room is a mess, tomorrow I’m really really looking forward to my OA meeting :) i’m also looking forward to connecting with some cool people, like just bringing my head up from the busyness of life recently. and cleaning my room ,going to the gym and maybe just checking out some apartments. I was asked by D if i’m coming back to Toronto and I said that I’m going to be here for a year and see how things go. So that is that. i’m going to eat some chicken curry and rice and think of my mom now. Amen.

It's been a while

Its my second full week at work. The last 2 days have been good sales days. It's been hard when I haven't been abstinent and I often have to take break between calls. I'm really grateful for the abstinence. Last night I wanted S not to lock the door so that I could reach for food. I really have a brain that wants me to use and get my fix. Maybe my inner child who is a fucker. The other one. Not the beautiful playful sensitive one. S has been very paranoid she wants to stay home and not get out. I don't blame her..it really has the power to kill her.

I often feel self pity and I often feel trapped in the job. I hope that it gets better. I really just want to focus on being a consistent performer without killing myself. I don't know what else to say. On the personal front, the loneliness has been very very hard. It's just food and numbing out on netflix. I like the interaction at the gym that keeps me going.

My calf muscle has not been troubling me but today my calf and knees are troubling. I'm not going to toronto this weekend and I'm going to enjoy my time in montreal. Catch up on rest and sleep Friday night. Krisen out

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Feeling sad

I miss A, I miss her so much. When I found out that it was announced  I'm in montreal and she probably heard,.I wish she had contacted me. ‎I don't know what else to say other than I can't get closure with her and I'm starting to hold her on a pedestal. There's a part of me a big part that wants to forget but I'm not sure how to.

It was a lovely day, the church group was amazing and I liked standing up for myself.

I reached out to my mom.

And I'm driving back to start my new job and life and I know that I just need to take it day by day.

Happy with dave and the meeting.

Really attracted to Dominica.

Okay with sleeping and watching homeland was nice.

It was nice to chat with nick and to hear the podcast recommend by terry.

I'm tired because I had interrupted sleep.

Toronto visit was actually nice and low stress.

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Driving to toronto

Well here we go again. I binged last night and I feel the hangover of such ‎a binge. It was awful it was a bag of popcorn from kernels store. Cheddar popcorn and then ate bout 5 square of apple crumble and then a LOT of cashews fuck fuck fuck. I felt horrible this morning and I got up at 5am and went to the gym. So that was that. 

Right now I'm driving to Toronto. I just attended an online OA meeting and I shared that I was struggling and that really helped. I'll do some journaling later. This is just an update. My sister just sent me a text and asked me where I would be staying and I kinda regret telling my niece that I'd be coming down. I feel sick, mentally and physically and I really just want to isolate. 

I'll turn this over to God and see what happens, I'm in their hands. God help me please.

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