last day of November!!

I’m feeling more peaceful tonight. I’ve made a decision to get on with things, even if it’s very scary, i did some 4th step work and faced the resentments i was feeling. It’s hard, i’ve been very solitary with my mom and my feelings and sometimes i feel like i’m becoming my mom. Just spending soo much time in my head. I’m really glad i gave all the money to chuck, it makes me feel good to be a reliably friend. I shared at the OA meeting that my life is becoming so much better, I’m making plans and Im sticking to it, and today i went to the bathroom 3 times to pray and just ask my higher power for guidance for getting through this time. and it worked, i went through the breakfast without gossiping about Anybody, i faced my fears and my internal shame and I just had a good positive brekkie and I played with my nephew. So happy it went well. I also enjoyed the time with David, enjoyed the lunch and walk and chat, it was heartwarming to spend time with a good friend. I’ve lost so many relationships in recent time. I belive now that friendships are transitory as all of life is. Friends for a day, frineds for a season, friends for a lifetime. Who cares, I’m continually growning and my old friends don’t know how i’m growing, they just remember how i was. it’s nice to make new friends without bagage. my AA programming makes me think it’s all my fault and I’m just a bad abandoning friend, I guess that What Merv, told me..fucking Merv “Learn what true friendship is” Well thank you Merv, you jolted me to look at myself and be more realistic as to what I could give and how to avoid crazy fucks like you.

I’m off to visit my cousin in pittsburg in a few days, it will be a good trip for me. I’m really looking to get some time away from mom and have some space for myself. I’ve made some space for the sadness, and the waves of grief to come, I welcome the tears and i know it will come.

I’ve been looking at my age and the things i do, the way I dress, i’m not really dressing or acting like a 46 year old. I really don’t know how i’m supposed to be. i think of how merv befriended me and that was always an issue becuase he was so clingy and i was 26 years younger than him i always brought that up, that he was trying to make friends with people younger than him, so that he could avoid the reality of hanging out with people his age. I feel like i’m doing the same, or maybe just emotionally, this where I’m at , i’m like a 35 year old emotionally in a 46 year old body, or maybe younger, that’s the thing with my wounded inner child that controls the show, i don’t know when I’m acting like a responsible adult or acting like a child. I really don’t know how all of this is supposed to work, i know that I’m supposed to connect with my inner child and deal with the problem (laundry list traits) by becoming my own loving parent to the repressed, abused and scared little Krisen.

Angry this morning

WTF..WTF..WTF

I'm angry that I felt for her needs and her demands and I abandoned my needs. I was played to be a fucking friend. And I'm fucking tired of that. My dad always said be direct, tell them what you want. I fucking played the pain all the way to a couple months and all I really had to do was walk away from a lousy hand. I'm not sure I needed that experience..and again needy women and not getting my needs met and accepting so little for myself.

I'm packing now and my mom is really irittating me with her neediness and phantom ilnesses. I don't doubt it's stressful for her but all I'm really doing now Is feeling my feelings and not ‎spending time paying attention her feelings. I'm fucking tired. Fucking done. I'm 46 and I'm not wasting any more time. It's me and little Krisen..my inner child that's been abandoned for so long and lived in terror and shame and guilt for so fucking long. I know why my anxiety and PTSD was brought on, by this fucking bitch of my mother who doesn't own up to her fucking emotional abuse of me. I know this mom is different, she's loving and kind and caring and so helpful to me. Especially when I was in dire need this past year but it's not necessary now. I can stand on my own two feet. The only way I can heal myself and this relationship with my inner child. I've been digging up the trauma and it's been revealing and horrible. I get validation from my sponsor and therapist. There were tons of happy moments and that's kept me fucking alive. I'll do that inventory also. Anyway peace out folks. I'm off to the gym

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Feeling sad and empty today

I did some productive steps to work today on both accounts. I rested and I went and enjoyed the gym. I do feel very sad though and I know it's my broken heart..who knew unrequited love could be so hard to deal with. My aca friend said it likes withdrawal from heroin. ‎I deleted all of A.'s emails and texts..well really I deleted the last email I had from her. I'm a 46 year old sick puppy..and it scares me that I'm fucking approaching 50. But let's just take a year at a time. Now I lick my wounds and try to kill and last fantasy hopes and denial that I have, that she will love me romantically, that I could even go there, even though the desire and fantasy is so strong. I WANT the experience, I dunno if it's my inner kid that I'm confusing with my adult desire..it was so intoxicating getting a message from her. And I hate to keep looking at myself like this..its so fucking intense. 

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love my psychiatrist

Dr R. Was so cool with me today. I joked about bumping into him a couple days in a row downtown. It was strange. He gave me samples of trintilex which costs $125 ..the most expensive for anti depressents . I have not felt depressed in a while and I'm truly grateful for my mom's support and all the people that supoortes me Dr. B, dr. S. My brother in law and sister. My true friends Chuck and habtom and bereket and simret and Perry and Shelly . All So dear to me.my sister vash.and isai sending me to cape Town. Rod for the consistency and pure heart. So many good people who came to my rescue. Angels that guided me along the way. I'm so very grateful .OA ..where I shared my despair. Just fucking awful and Merv the guy who i ended up fearing and was toxic for me as I was for him . Told me to get my ass to the hospital to get some medication. My friend Rena who ended up leaving me but blessed me with Phil and that fucker David who really helped me so very much as a therapist but became so money obsessed . Fuck you David. And dear Joe who listened toe share my despair often and just fucking listened . Thank you Joe. ♥️🐘

acceptance

And acceptance is the answer when I stopped living in the problem and lived in the solution the problem went away. It's like a drug the attachment withdrawal from A.

It's soo fucking healing to write about it and share it with a couple people . Here's a sad but real quote 

i miss you A

what am i afraid of?

I’m afraid of my mom’s retaliations when I tell her that I need to take a break from everyone.

I’m afraid of not being able to get a job

i’m afraid that my anxiety and insomnia will keep going on or get worse and afraid that it will interfere with my work

I’m afraid that I can’t support myself

i’m afraid that I’ll end up homeless

i’m afraid that i can’t finish the database and won’t be able to bill for the work done.

i’m afraid that I’m lying to myself and that i’m gay and that i won’t be able to turn over that corner

i’m afriad that If i’m gay then i’ll be ostracized and even killed liked in other countries that perpuate gay violence

i’m afraid that i’ll be alone for the rest of my life

i’m afriad of getting older

i’m afraid of my flatulance and potential partners being grossed out.

I’m afraid of R and him reacting badly when i say hi to him

I’m afrid of how R will react after i set my boundary with him.

I’m afraid of how my sister will react when I set my boundary about not gossiping about my mom.

I’m afraid that A will forget me and I’ll be heartbroken for a long time

I’m afraid that A will get a boyfriend soon and I’ll be heartbroken

I’m afraid that I’ll lose my abstinence

I’m afraid that I wont’ be able to set my boundaries with the lady in montreal and It will end up badly.

I’m afraid of facing the repressed grief that awaits me

I’m afraid of dying

I’m afraid of not being able to support myself and having to self my condo.

I’m afraid of not being afraid and continue to live out of fear.

I’m afraid of not being loved the way i want to, sexually and romantically and being able to trust a partner

I’m afraid of relationships ending and the pain they bring.

I’m afraid of facing the guy i was in love with and still carry a torch for and speaking to him over facetime.

I’m afraid of losing all my friends, and not being able to make and keep new friends and ending up alone.

Gratitude

Very very grateful to spend time with David and my church buddies and to sing and enjoy the service and to speak with my sponsor that was really good. 

For having delicious meals and a good workout today.  

For maintaining abstinence 

For keeping my work commitment 

For a lovely workout and spending time chatting with anoop

For a beautiful sunny day. 

For being able to do some service at church 

For.being able to help my.mom out

For helping a dear friend out. 

For building the muscle of doing whats necessary

For inspiring speakers like David goggins

For.OA and Aa

And all the people.who.do.service

For ACa to heal the fucking wounds of my childhood. 

For my brilliant Sponsors 

For my fellows in program who really fucking help me tremendously.  Joe, David, Luanne, Nick

For having a home to go to

For heat

For medication for sleep and.for depression

For abstinence from bingeing . 

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