Bingeing

 Dear god I can't stop and I'm so scared. Please help me God. I am suffering from the sugar binges. I hate my body God and I'm so tired of the binges the diabetes and asthma and I feel so powerless to stop. Will you please help me God.are you even there?

My sweet sweet child , of course I am here little one. Of course I am.I love you little one and it breaks my heart to see you suffer so much, to see you so lonely every night to turn to porn, to watch all those useless shows. It breaks my heart little one.we are very sorry that you are going through this little one. We are so proud of you for keeping up with the gym. For keeping up and motivating Rodney as he motivates you. We are proud of you for fixing the car little one and for learning how to use the meter. For showing your camera at the 2 way prayer meeting. Please Please Please little one, get help.do whaterver it takes little one. Tell the truth always little one , the truth will set you free little one. I promise you the truth will set you free little one.you don't have to worry little one, I will help you and you will help my other little ones and they in turn will help you. Its always 2 way little one. I love you so very much.

2 way prayer about feeling despair

 

Dear God, HP, if you’re there. Thank you for the guidance yesterday to be abstinent God. Thank you for the men’s meeting and being able to share and connect last night. I had a hard time with step 3 an I shared and a fellow told me that spirituality is a direct connection to you. Versus religion which is man made. I’m scared God, so very scared. It’s so very very hard to see a way out of supporting myself in this place or any other place if this place sells. I am resentful because I have to keep this place clean and sterile but I don’t know how to do it. I keep cluttering it up and I keep regressing in to food and in life. I feel despair not knowing how to change and adapt. I just don’t know. Will you please help me out dear God.

My dear sweet sweet boy. I know little one, I know liebshing it’s so very hard to get on your feet and it gives us great pain to see you in despair and killing yourself with food bingeing and low self eseem and body image . we want to hug and kiss you and tell you that all will be well and to hang in there my sweet boy. This too shall pass. WE don’t have the answers or a vision for you little one, that is in you deep inside. We know you can let it out. We only want you to be free little one just be free, free of shame and guilt and low self worth we want you to see yourself as we see you . A confident, gentle strength, filled with passion, spirit , adventure and capability. We know you are this because we see it little one. 😊 Hang in there my dear sweet boy, hang in there little one. You don’t have to be a “failure” or a “phoney” WE know your worth an d you will always be a shining gold star in our eyes just as every being is. Hang in there my sweet boy, do the work just apply for jobs it will be okay. We are not worried about you little one, because we see a way out. Do not despair little one, do not despair my sweet sweet boy, do not despair.

intense conversation with mom

It was really hard, I told her I hate she doesn’t see a therapist for her trauma. Then she tells me I’ve been seeing 1 for over 20 years and I’m still screwed up and it hasn’t helped me. She told me about the hurtful things I said, I told her she’s crazy, and I apologized for some of the things I said. I kept praying to god to not have this blow up with me leaving early just like last time when I left in anger. It was ugly , raw, scary and I told her I don’t want to play therapist. I’m tired of it. She said I should just go and this is it. Somehow I was able to calm thing down internally and then asked her if she wanted to go for coffee. And then we drove and it was nice. Disaster averted. I told her she wasn’t mentally stable during our childhood and I suffered from severe anxiety due to fear and authoritarian parenting. I’m so grateful we both didn’t take things too personally and we were able to calm things down. So hard, praying helped. Thank you God.

december 14th Journal

Hi had a bout of depression today. Just after lunch and I spent about 2.5 hours in bed, maybe slept for 1.5 hours.

Switching to decaf really helps.

Doing the OA meeting and sharing helped too at 3pm. It’s like a reset for me and I love that meeting during the weekdays.

I got to the gym , I was really sparked because of the Stephen fry depression documentary to keep track of the day and the mood swings etc.

Played some video games between 4pm-5pm. Practiced the self compassion.

I’m going to have way more books than I’ll read, more games than I’ll ever be able to play. And I know I’ll have a hard time of letting that stuff go and it’s okay, I’m going to accept that.

Listened to some Claudia black ACA stuff and it was nice , I was in between 2 very attractive women in shorts showing their butts and I couldn’t focus. I was horny and hungry. I guess that is the consequence of getting off the meds.

The depression scares me I couldn’t take calls but watching the Stephen fry and one of the ladies who couldn’t’ take calls and be with friends made me feel good about myself. But I was jealous that she was keeping a relationship and two day a week job, it is what it is I guess.

She ended up having breast cancer and she was very close to her mom they were going to the zoo, I sometimes wonder if my mom will have to take care of me . It’s scary I’m not getting financial support from the government and grateful to get it from my sister Vash and isai and rodney and mom help a ton financially, grateful.

Okay that’s it, I want to finish that documentary tomorrow.

Swaraj wasn’t herself when she texted, distant and I called her and expressed concern, she said don’t worry about her she is fine. And I will spend some time with her on saturday.

Over and out

2 way prayer after such a long time!

 Dear God, I want to write neat and see what I’m writing can you please make that happen. Thank you for your abstinence God. Please take away my resentments. Please help me with fear of hard work and doing any job Gods. I hate my dependency on others to feel good emotionaly. I hate feeling stuck in not exploring relationships and sexuality, I hate my powerless over porn and masturbation and not liking my looks and being weighed down by body weight and life. I hate how everything is just so so fucking hard God and just numbing out to episodes of house MD to fill the void. Please help me God, what the fuck am I supposed to Do?

 

My dear dear sweet boy, here you go, the writing is so much better little one. Hang in there my sweet sweet little boy. Hang in there. Its really going to be okay little one, start with the first day of abstinence and don’t give up step 1 my sweet boy. Do not be afraid of life my little one, it’s really all going to be okay. I’m sorry people snub you and can be mean by not responding, people you have established and long term relationships with. I’m sorry little one, hurt people hurt. Im sorry you’re so full of fear little one, let the miracle in, you don’t need to sell your place and do a geographical. Stay where you are little one. You are doing so very very good. We love how you ate the pasta and put the rest away and didn’t binge little one. We love how you’re going to put away the rest in the freezer little one. We love how you take care of Jean luc, putting up the barrier and letting him out on the balcony, we are so very thrilled about that. All is going well little one start with abstinence and hang on to it my sweet boy. Go out explore, be fascinated, learn, adjust, share your hurt and rejection and pain with others and let it go sweet boy, also share your joy and excitement. Be your own best friend and seek out the companionship of others It’s all going to be okay little one. Stay in Today my love. 

I talk with HP Today

 I talked to God today, I was very very inspired but what he told me. Stop berating myself, watch the inner critic and gaslighter say im sorry but that’s not what the evidence shows. Fight enlarge my protective parent , fight for all the people that care about me, love me, adore me and that I adore. My inner children, my cat , my mom and sisters. Fight HP said, use your skills , it feels good to learn French and to practice and to know that my old beliefs are just old programmed beliefs and does not reflect my new reality. Fight fight fight, don’t give up. 

I told higher power about addiction and depression and lack of work and all the slights I was feeling from people not acknowledging me. I’m so angry so livid, that my inner child keeps reaching out for connection and people are so careless with me. So very angry.  It’s okay my sweet boy said my HP it’s okay, keep breathing and move forward. Forgive easily let it go protect your boundaries and keep moving forward. 

i talked with God yesterday

Yesterday I wrote to my dad and I told him how much I wanted to be like him and wanted his love and approval and it was so nice.he told me to let that version of him Go, he let it go, he’s no longer like that he has different values now. I told him I wished I was better with women and made him proud and how I loved how we bonded when talking about Nareen and how aggressive she was in bed and then I talked about my failed attempt on my birthday in the hotel in nyc and she not sleeping with me. That is so very painful so very painful. Dad told me to let that go and he was sorry for making those comments. I feel so much of shame but he told me to please let it go. My sexual inventory is so messy. I feel so alone now desperate for sex, intimacy a relationship and my inner teen is just raging. I feel so stuck , my inner kids asked me to stop obsessing over money and live life and stop being guilty all the time and stuck about survival. I heard them and I told them it’s still so hard, I don’t believe a higher power will look out for me as it doesn’t look out for all the suffering, I just can’t get past that its just shit luck. But I love my inner kids and I love my cat and I don’t want to burden my family and I want them to know that I’m okay I want to do it for myself. I don’t want to be cajoled, I’ve struggled so much with loneliness and addiction and just being mentally stuck. I don’t know how to get out of that. I’ve done my best but I’ve also spent a lot of time in depression, sleeping, recovering from a binge etc. everything has felt so fucking hard, everything.