Merry Christmas 2019 (expletives)

Ho HO HO fucking ho, merry fucking christmas. woke up to my needy mom coming to me and giiving me a gift of a shirtand then obsessing about how it wasn’t going to fit me until i got fucking fed up and tried it on to show her how negative her thinking is. I’m very very thankful to her and grateful that she shwoers me with these gifts, i wish that she would just love herself so that she doesn’t need so much of fucking external validation. I need to write in my journal os that i can read it right and this is how its going to go down. i’m trying a new trick, i’m writing it in paper and then i’m going to transcribe it. I miss you A. I miss your writing and your affection for me. even i it wasn’t enough i loved you A, i loved your deeply and I really feel the loss. I am filled with regret and remorse and my mind keeps going back to how it would have been different if i made different choices. i have so much anger and so much toxicity raging in my body. That’s okay i was vulnerable , i let my gaurds down for the first time in a long time and for that i’m truly happy about. i gave you my heart and so it is. ..i fucking feel like i got my heart ripped out and stomped on and so it is.

I’m moving to montreal, i’m so happy. yes i know i’m taking me with i know this and maybe it’s a geographical, but i do feel like i’m going into this eyes wide open. i know that i’m going to face difficult situations and move on. i keep seeing goggins, Don’t let life hijack my fucking brain. be a fucking warrior. Fuck you mom, Fuck your neediness fuck your mental ilness and fuck you being a hypercondriac and fuck you abandoning me and fuck you thumba for abandoning me as a child and all the years of therapy that I had to go through. fuck it all.

The rage comes and I sometimes feel like it’s okay i’ve got to feel the feelings, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the dissapoinment, everything, the shattered dreams, everything, i’ve got to feel it and move the fuck on.

I feel really good that this is going to be a normal christmas and that I helped bridged the path to see isai and mo and the rest of the family. I hate that I didn’t have parents most of the time to help me out. Little K, i promise you that we will have a good life together, i promise you that I’ll give you the love and attention you want and that i will make you feel loved and special. Don’t worry, everyting is going to be okay.

Relax Krisen

I took my mom shopping to Yorkdale mall. It was okay, my mom is lonely so she talks a lot, i see a lot of myself in her. same behaviour. Verbal diahera from a lack of companionship and too much in our heads. it hurts me just saying this. I’m afraid of me being like this when I’m 70, so lonely so misunderstood. So much resentment and so negative. So I called Guri, and it was good to chat with him instead of just texting. I was so scared to go to see isai’s and my anxiety was ratching up and I’m really glad I did because she invited uma also and that really made things so much better. i realy didn’t want to just drop in and see them and I prayed to my higher power and i decided to just go ahead and do it and it worked. Thank you God, thank you HP, thank you lil K.

Trip to Pittsburgh

I stayed in Pittsburgh from Dec 3rd to Dec 13th. It was an interesting time. I enjoyed catching up with my cousin Allen and I was so grateful to spend another week at his place after he left on his trip.  I stayed in downtown Pittsburgh and the time i had alone was great to relieve some of my anxiety about dealing with life in Toronto and an unhappy home life. It was also a good time to lick my wounds from an unrequited love breakup..i was really into her and she ended up viewing me as a friend. It hurts and still stings like a motherfucker. Of course I only think about the good things and put her up on a pedestal....but this is not what this post is about.
It's about discovering who the real me is, away from the pretense and people pleasing and sticking to norms. I really do miss my independence, i really couldn't do much in my cousin's place, i had to take care of his place. and I'm so used to putting the shackles on myself...be a good responsible boy and don't rock the boat...

Pictures say a thousand words. I got a tattoo, that was the highlight and oh so painful to get. I had a massage from a beautiful Chinese lady with a happy ending. I saw a hockey game. I went to an OA meeting and an ACA meeting. I worked out every day and got into a routine of drinking good green protein shakes which i've carried over and is the highlight of my morning. I got used to 5am wakeups and 5:30 workouts. Who is this Cat? I visited the Pittsburgh symphony for a rendition of Handel's messiah, i was moved at the Hallelujah chorus..wow! I talked to a beautiful but oh so mess up young lady at the ACA meeting. I took the bus to Target. I went to an amazing Church and listened to those incredible pipe organs, it stirred my soul.I stayed to talk with the pastor and introduced myself as being from Toronto, that was nice the people were friendly.  I went to see a mummy exhibit and the Pittsburgh Carnegie Science Center..that wasn't so cool but I enjoyed the robot demonstration, i loved how they had a robot consistently banking a basketball shot in every time.  I played air hockey with a robot arm..that was scary cool.  And such a lovely miniature train world. i visited the Pittsburgh market and gave a lot of money to Starbucks!

Trip to Manhattan

I spent a night and a day in Manhattan on Dec 14th. Courtesy of my friend Diana. Here are some pics.  It was a loooong drive from Pittsburgh to Manhattan about 8.5 hours in extreme rain. My little Honda held up well. I stayed at the upper West side, went to a Jewish diner and attended an OA meeting which was really cool. 

where i stayed in Manhattan.

selfie time

delicious breakfast at the Jewish diner. 

on exiting Manhattan, i came up a US destroyer which is now a museum.So much to do in Manhattan. 

The healing work that I'm doing on myself

I had to create a toolbox of strenghts so that When I’m feeling weak as I’m doing now, i can turn to this. I’ve slowly getting over A. I’ve been able to work on my sleep without the pills and I’ve changed my behaviour especially around keeping my comittments. I’ve been doing my tapping exercises and sitting with my feelings as much as I possibly can and I’ve been trying to name the hurts that I’m feeling. Like right now I’m upset at myself for trying to connect with the group when i’ve been silent on the group. and my silence speaks words. so i have to accept my side of the street and I have to maintain my boundary. it’s all been very confusing and Isai has maintained the contact with me when I’ve been slack. I forgive myself . I was weak on this boundary and I forgive myself. i am doing the absolute best i can . I am scared at the upcoming visit with Rodney and Isai and Mo and Nishal etc. I guess I will do my best. I’ve overcome a terrible depression and i put my best in the job that I had where i did manual work and i will continue to give my best and work hard, i’ts fucking hard sometimes and i slip and i’m compassionate with myself becuase this recovery work is not easy, it’s time consuming and noone in my family understand so I sometimes feel so alone and question why i’m doing what I’m doing. Some days I just want to hide under the covers and not deal with life. but most days I get up and keep going.

so for now, i’m most proud of my tatoo, the trip i made to pittsburgh and new york, how i’ve taken care of my body, how i overcame my fear of swimming and public speaking. How i’ve come to accept my leg as is and the fight i did to heal and get better. The boundaries i’ve set with my mom and the love and acceptance I show her as an aging person who is scared and also going through a difficult time. For the plans i make and the realization that I go for a theme, put in the effort and let the universe decide the outcome. That the acceptance there is no right or wrong decision, just a decision and i must adapt. That when I have a strong WHY, i can figure out the how. That I do my best to give back and stay in reality. That i’ve got realizations with myself of my emotional cup and what i’m able to give.

I’m most proud of the work i’ve done with Phil and my sponsors and that i’m able to progress with recovery and keep my commitments while working the 4th step in both programs. I’ts a shit ton of work and I’m also proud of the notes that I’ve made with my sessions with Phil, they’ve been immensely helpful to track my progress. I’m most proud that I can keep my commitments to others and that I’m getting better at not over-committing and being honest both with myself and others. I’m most proud of putting down the mask whenever I’m able to. and I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing to connect with and nuture my inner child and discover my loving inner parent.

I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing with david goggins and the relationship work.

Okay over and out.

feeling yucky today

I am feeling very low and tired today. Feeling the wave of sadness and I’ve done some inner child writing and I know that there is a lot of hurt and mistrust there. I read about my conversation with my ACA traveller about A. it’s so so difficult because I miss her, does she miss me , does she care about me, my ACA traveller said I was baited and then rejected and then abandoned. i guess she gave me the gift of letting me go, she is a terrible person.

I have to use the anger and pick myself up. She baited me and then chucked me and I feel awful about that. I am so lonely and love starved. It’s so much effort to get back on my feet to pick myself up when I feel like I’m starting over again, it’s so fucking hard.

I sometimes feel like i’m taking 4 steps back and 1 step foreward every fucking day.

Jerry Wise videos

There's an amazing therapist who has posted tons of videos ACOA related that are really helping me with my family enmeshment and trying to break the shackles of over relianceof my mom and sisters and their family. It's very painful and it causes me to go to my food addiction . Therapy with Phil is helping me greatly along with my ACA sponsor and step work and fellows and recently these Jerry Wise videos. Incredible .

https://youtu.be/2hCwuZ9_yx4