feeliing like crap today

Dear God, I don’t know what to do today. I feel so frazzled. please guide me to the next right action. Today I just feel like lazing. I know that I have to get up and show up everyday like majority of the world does. Pay my spiritual penance or pay off my karmic debt. Is that what it is god. I don’t know. Please tell me how I should be because I feel pretty fucking wretched today. Okay I’ll go and buy the oatmeal god and the bananas and go from there.

Trusting HP and giving them my fears.

Dear dear sweet god. I need your help today please and thank you as always for your blessings. God I really truly appreciate the help to make friends with Max. I feel so happy to face my fears, please god, protect my heart please God give me the strength to face rejection and humiliation for whatever else happens. I need you today my dearest sweet God, please take away my paralyzing fear today God.

My dear dear sweet sweet boy, you don’t have to ask, it’s okay my love. It’s okay, breath my little sweet boy, breathe. We love you so very very much. I know you are afraid of getting hurt and it will be painful my son, we are not going to sugar coat it, it will hurt but we will give you the strength to handle it and it will pass my dear sweet sweet boy, it will pass. You can’t ever be abandoned any more son , you are no longer powerless and helpless, you can turn to us and your little tribe to help you and comfort you and soothe you little one. You are no longer that helpless repressed little boy, you can be free my love please do not despair. We will shine our love and protection on you and I will help you little one. Do not despair little one it’s all going to be okay . We love and adore you and are so proud of you little one. We are so happy to see you and you don’t have to be perfect any more little one, you are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed little one. Please do not despair my love. Trust me my love.

today's 2 way prayer

Dear Dear God, WTF WTF I don’t want to keep bingeing and hating myself please show me the door and path to you dear God. I want to feel the peace and know the next right action. It is so very hard god, please guide me out of the despair.

Dearest Sweet sweet boy, it’s okay my little one. Remember 4-4-6 ujai breathing. Remember art of living meditation I am so very sorry that love has been so elusive for you. Love of yourself, love of others and most of all, romantic love. It is so painful little one, I know it is. you were never meant to live life solo. You were meant to love and be loved. Don’t despair my boy, better days are ahead. Look at al the gifts you received yesterday, what a nice conversation you had with Denis. Let Go and let love my dear one. Trust me dear, TRUST Me. You are so very very loved and adored.

2 way prayer wednesday morning

Dear Dear Dear Dearest God, thank you dear loving God for keeping me safe and helping me bounce back after I numbed myself with food the other day. God, when will the frustration and rage stop. When will the tears come dear sweet God? It’s so hard to keep getting up everyday, putting my adult pants on and trying to be hopeful and optimistic. I’ve been angry with the world and feeling like my life is slipping away. What’s the point of having all this love and compassion and empathy if I turn it against myself with food bingeing, people pleasing , codependency and other addictions. It’s ridiculous, please help me god.

My dear dear sweet boy, haaaaaaa, deep breath my love. It’s all going to be okay. It’s all working out perfectly. I am so sorry that you are going through this my love. Please do the next right action, set the boundary, self care, clean your place, take your medication water the plants and shower little one. It’s all happening perfectly and yes this too shall pass. I weep too my love, humanity is frail and flawed and I feel powerless tooo. We want you to to be filled with love, joy, hope and inspired purpose. It’s not a natural state to be in despair. All we know is love and we want that for you too, hang in there little one.

Dream and Dear Krisen letter.

Dear Krisen, you are so very loved. I hope you know and believe that. I am so very sorry that things are so hard and feeling the feelings are so hard and that In essence you have given learning French and maybe montreal is not the right place for you. I’m so very sorry that everything feels so fucking hard right now. Do not despair my boy , rest in peace and rest knowing that things can get better.

Yesterday I had a dream that I needed surgery and couldn’t travel with anoop somewhere. I dreamt that one of the nurses gave me $300 and told me to go to a strip club. I went up there and ordered a coke and I sat at a table where people were making fun of gay guys but I did see some gay guys having sex. I felt so self conscious. It frustrates me that I’m so scared of the blowback of people having a problem with my sexuality. I’m frustrated that I look at so much straight porn. What’s going on there.

I looked up Nareen a lot, I was happy to see that maybe she was divorced, I was also angry, I felt a lot of anger towards her. Then I let go of the resentment by remembering she is a mother and she is probably trying her best to fend for her kids. I think my anger comes from the fact that she reminds me of my mom. She was doing public speaking and I know she really wanted to get good at that. Being a realtor is hard, it’s a sales job.

I’m super happy about 3 days of abstinence. And just a willingness to cook my own meals. Thank you OA/FAA/ACA/SLAA/DA it’s been so wonderful to focus on recovery and have some semblance of normality. I’m also extremely grateful that coffee shops have opened. That’s a huge relief. It’s so much better to work from here.

i dunno

Dear God, I am feeling mellow and chill. I have cut down on the meditation and prayer and it has been hurting me, I feel the effects spiritually, emotionally. Father I’m so hurt by peoples actions to me, when they don’t respond to me after I’ve sent them a message and we have a rapport. I know the wounds are deep and I feel the pain often and I just want to cut them off. Spending so much time to cultivate a relationship and then to cut them off. Please God help me with this, I feel like I will end up alone because I have such a hard time feeling disappointed and let down with people. How do I trust myself and be honest with people when there is so much fear of retaliation and ultimately being abandoned. So much passive aggression acting out, with people like Jeremy, Diana, Amy, it’s caused me so much grief. I’ve also had magical thinking and expecting them to read my mind. Just fucking tired of it.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, all is well. Trust the path I am making for you. Walk by that path. All these past hurts and doors closed are your chance to grieve little one. Let go of the shame and hurt my love, we need to cleanse them away. I am here for you. You have had so much repression of feelings my dear boy. So very much. You have had so much hurt my boy. It’s time to feel my love. It’s okay to feel all your feelings little one. We want you to know that you are so very loved and you will be comforted, heard and protected. We won’t let anyone hurt you anymore without our permission. Lots of love and hugs, God.

2 way prayer 🙏🏼

Dear dear sweet God, thank you thank you for letting things go so well yesterday and giving me guidance on the next right actions .thank you for having my mom come here and just show up, she helped alot. I realize that I could ask her for help even when I felt so much rage and resentment and Im glad I had you to turn to. I hate how I am when I feel so overwhelmed and anxious maybe I needed to do more prep work but I was so consumed by the fucking food and today for the first day I feel peace. please help me dear God I'm so tired of being in the fucking food and living in a state of depression and despair. I want to change god I want to let go and trust and do the next right action. Please dear God please help me. What do I do?