things are hard..coping

Earning is a problem. Not making enough to support myself and 11k plus in the line for credit debt. It sneaks up so quickly. Am willing to do some part time jobs while I build up my tolerance. I don't want to get into a job and then get into the binge cycle. I hope that I keep pushing myself enough. I can't get into catastrophic thinking and I need a plan and trust and stick to it thay keeps me moving forward. 

Today it's a study off French practice for our week off. Put erez directly in touch with bill.so that's another revenue stream loss. Part of me is giving up IT so I can look at myself honestly. It's a clean start but my thinkig is still the same and I need to look at a next career or a few ways to makes a living.

dear god 2 way prayer.

I feel pretty wrecked god, so much pain, what am I supposed to learn from this. I can adapt to every situation. Thank you for the screaming I enjoyed that , authentic screaming from pain. Fuck I hate my age and my body, I hate how old I am and how fast it flew by. It’s awful god to be in this position, just awful. Willing to help out people as I can. hurts so much to sit to sleep to stand, only thing I can do is lie down on a pillow. Just awful god, this is fucking bullshit, the timing is horrendous or is it , am I just wasting my fucking time. Fuck you god. Earthing is so fucking hard and it never stops, fuck you. Even if I’m in end I get the food addiction to keep me in checked and add to the misery fuck you God. Sometimes I just don’t wan tot live in this agony, this painful miserable fucking existence.

 

Sweet sweet boy, oh how I missed talking to you little one. Come to me, and I appreciate the talk today. We are so very proud of you little one, we see you suffer and you still act with humility tenderness and kindness listen one. It’s okay my sweet boy, it’s okay. All will be well. This too shall pass. Please do not compare yourself with others. Coming to Quebec was like coming to a different country little one. You suffered for so long at the call center and the last 3 .5 years moving and with addiction little one, you didn’t do it by yourself you had help and you helped others little one. We don’t every want you to feel like you had it easy little one. You struggled and suffered mostly in silence little one , we want you to know that you are not alone and we have not abandoned you and never will my sweet. Keep showing up, keep coming to me and keep doing your very best little one, it will all be okay my sweet boy, it will all be okay. Love gods.

binge today

 Dear god so fucking tired of binehing and getting triggered 

What the fuck god what the fuck

More chips more fat more fatigue and more hating on myself. I hate hate being addicted god, I hate feeling like I'm always doing this wrong. I hate getting triggered by stupid cunts like resh, saying 12 steps is garbage when I'm already feeling so unsure so vulneravle so lost.  Please help me god. What do u have to say?

Dear sweet boy breathe 

We love you little one

Pixk yourself and let go of this setback little one turn it over to me and get back on track my sweet. We are so very sorry we love you immensley and it hurts us when u suffer my love. I know good things are xoming your way your mind and body will be clear my sweet boy and u will once again be able to toleraye your feelings without picking up food and junk. Trust the process little one. Take care of yourself and know that your mom, resh, sisters everyone has their own higher power and all will be well my sweet. All will be well. We love you immensley little one and all will be well.

2 way prayer today.

 Dear sweet god, Thank you for last night with the food. Didn't want to reach for porn but I did. I'm going to crawl out of my skin without junk to munch on. Life feels so hard and stressful at night. Aging, money, looks, and no french, inability to call and feel I'm too rigid. Please help me get out of the roller coaster godf. Its survival mode now and I'm not doing that even.

Just feel low energy and unable to do anything. Please come to me.

My sweet sweet boy, we are so sorry little one, we are so very sorry. There there all will be okay my sweet.

Keep breathing and yogaing and putting one foot in front of the other.

Your meals and exercise are getting better.

Let the rest follow little one, let the rest follow. Trust us little one

Go to queer church in toronto and sing. You feel the spirit there.

Let your insides and outsides be one. We love you little one so so much you have come so far and we love and adore you.

letter to god

Dear God, so angry so much frustratoin, fear, regret, resentments. i don't want to be like my  mother. i feel like i'm already her, never satisfied, always looking to change, looking for others to make me happy. Please help me god, struggling to let go of the past, and old friends who i don't have a close relationship with and rely on. help new trust the new ones. even if they are not exciting as the old. Tired of not getting my needs met through intimacy of a friednship and using food which is vicious and horrible and erodes at my self esteem. just like porn, spending, debting, and other compulsive behaviours. what kind of higher power are  you, maybe you are just a cruel power?

 Sweet child we love you and want you to be free to be you! we love all of you , the real  you, mak off and not people pleasing. you are never alone sweet child. get out there and live your best life. cry if you can , feel all your feelings and know that  you will never be alone through it all. 

2 way prayer from this morning.

Dear God, so painful everyday, it’s so hard with money work night bingeing mindless shows, please please God, help me. I want to feel my feelings everyday, deal with it, let it out and not be stuck in misery, loneliness and despair. Please show me how to be in my creative brain god, guide me , I want to trust you more and turn things over. I hate being in addiction., I want to live the gentler softer way and not be in fight, flight freeze mode. Please help me god.

My dear dear sweet boy, breathe little one, deep breaths let out fear regret hurt shame and anger and let in love, strength , hope and light little one. You will be okay my sweet sweet boy. You will be okay. You are so very loved little one, so very loved. We know you will be okay it’s going to be okay little one, we promise. We don’t want to see you suffer little one, we don’t want you to feel despair all is well my sweet. Trust the recovery process, let out your feelings, share with others. Let us love you and guide you my sweet, we have infinite wisdom and will guide you to the choice that is right for you. You are truly truly loved little one, all is well.

2 way prayer on kitten caring stress and not getting needs met from friends

Dear God, thank you for a better might. Jean Luc is getting hard to care for , the insight about the clay litter and him getting it all over my bed and cross contamination is fucking scary. Fuck he is so needy I didn’t expect this, it’s like having a fucking child. How did I get myself into this. I can’t binge because he always wants to be touch the food an dI can’t isolate, is this what the fucking doctor ordered God?

My dear dear dear sweet boy, please forgive me, all I can think of saying is “you are welcome”. The little kitten is exactly what you need right now and you will figure out boundaries my sweet boy. It’s fantastic that you shower him with a lot of love and affection and that you have a balcony that you can take him out regularly , he loves it and when inspired take him out in the cage to visit others. It’s going to be okay my sweet sweet boy, please trust me that I will alway guide you to your best outcomes and sometimes IT will feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry about hearing that Lucia Capacchione took her own life, I know it made you feel devastated because you are following her recovery ways and you feel let down because she still took her own life at 85. I’m glad you saw her daughters note and how honest they were. Keep following her guidance little one. Be the thriver . It’s going so well letting out the anger and doing the creative journal and we are so immensley proud of you.

We are so sorry little one that all you old family guy friends are not responding to you. It’s not about you little one, they have a 100 things on their mind and maybe you’re number 96 on that list, making sure Krisen feels heard. It’s not your fault little one, you were following directions and sometimes they are so self absorbed also and not in recovery. Focus on safe friendships little one. About the food little one and the 12 steps, we are glad that you are leaving meetings once they feel shame inducing for you. We are so thrilled that you are giving new meetings phone and zoom a chance. That is the way little open mindedness and trusting the process. Keep challenging the little voice with the protective parent, who says, is that so, well I am this this and I did this this and this so I don’t believe you mr critic. Be ever so gentle with yourself, we want you to feel the immense love we have for you and are so very very proud of you.

Love gods