BPD traits

 Defintion of Personality Border: Pattern of abnormal thoughts and behaviors that impairs relationship with others. 

as with any list it's a generalization.. not all apply or can happen x percent of time.

Behavriours  of ideal mother : 

Comforts her child

Apologies for inappropriate behavior

Takes care of herself

Encourages independence in her children

Is proud of childrens accomplishment

Builds her children self esteem

Calms and soothes her children

Responds to her childrens changings needs

Disciplines with logical and natural consequences

Expects that her children will be loved by others

Never threatens abandonment. 

Believes In her children’s basic goodness

Trusts her children

Borderline mother behaviors :

Confuses her child

Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavious

Expects to be taken cared off

Punishes or discourages independence

Envies, ignores or demeans her childrens’ accomplishments

Destroys ,denigrates or undermine self esteem

Expects children to responds to her needs. 

Frightens and upsets her children

Disciplines inconsistently or punitively

Feels left out jealour or resentlful if child is loved by someone else

Uses threat of abandonment or actual abandonment to punish the child

Does not believe in her children basic goodness

Does not trust her children. 

Diagnosed of BPD if have 5 of the below traits

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2.A pattern of unstable or intense relationships

3.Unstable self image or sense of self

4.Impulsiveness or behavior that could be self destructive: spending, sex , substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, 

5.Suicidal gestures / threats or self mutilating behavior

6.Intense moodiness/rapid mood changes

7.Feelings of emptiness

8.Inappropriate intense anger

9.Stress induced paranoid thoughts or dissociative (loses touch with reality)

2 way prayer thank you god

I did my 2 way prayer today and shared it with the group. I can’t find the page I did the writing on . I’m already tired, woke up at 1am, had a few cups of coffee , I also went to the gym and I share at the FAA 545 am meeting. And that was nice. Feel sleepy now. I setup the desktop for one of the guys at Derrig, made me feel very hopeful. Gosh I feel very sleepy now. Horrible conditions in parts of Somalia. Somaliland is good though. Payment guy ceo is treated like a rockstar in the community but why.

Went to gym , cardio. soo sleepy, can I sleep?

weight gain, bingeing, loneliness and despair

Dear God, thank you the binge wasn’t worse God, thank you and I need help God. The weight gain is so bad. I feel scared and shame and anger with myself and for those asking me questions about my abstinence, shut the fuck up. I don’t want to feel worse about myself by analyzing this behaviour. I fucking hate that going into the food is what I do night in and night out I’m scared God of ballooning and struggling under the weight of debting and not making enough overspending.

My dear dear sweet boy. Have not heard from you in a while little one. It’s okay my sweet. You are feeling intense pain and loneliness little one. Let go of the weight for now. Focus on a night of blissful abstinence. Good for you on scheduling a 5th for Sunday, we are so thrilled of your willingness to do the 4th, let go of the fear, negativity and toxicity little one. It’s happening beautifully and magically and fine and we love you so so very much.

Love God

notes from Margaret session

Margaret talked about developing a psychic shield

Love deficit, love seeking - how can I fill that love void?

Hard for me to trust based on rejecting and abandonment in past. Depression for a year after breaking up with Nareen. 20 years without relationship. It’s going to be okay it’s not my fault. I’m not the same person that I was then, I’ve grown and I’ve got more support.

I will make mistakes. Hard finding same people who have emotional space to give.

We are all flawed human beings.

2 way prayer

Feel so defeated god, only comfort in numbing out, don’t even want to do life. Feel awful, stupid sugar, stupid chips, stupid addiction stupid money, hate life god, feel hopeless, why is life so fucking shitty. Fuck fuck fuck, are you here God?does any of this even matter?

My dear little one, everything is going to be okay my love. It’s all going to be okay little one, Breathe…..there isn’t thet better.

You have been through a lot little one and everything feels so very hard, we get it little one and are so sorry. We get it, the food abuse is so crushing to your spirit little one, we love you still, that will never change, we are always proud of you. It’s going to be okay little one, keep showing up and keep spreading love. There is hope little one, things will turn around. Love you very much, God.

update

Today is day 3 of my abstinence from non-bingeing and I’m not using sugar flour wheat.

I called swaraj and let her know I couldn’t make it and I was proud of myself for that.

I am doing some sorting out of paperwork and throwing away stuff, grateful for that.

It’s been hard, I’ve had to sleep early and I wake up super early but it has been so worth it to not binge. And I’m also trying to manage my addiciton to spending, impulse buying games etc.

I replaced my earphones cushions and it feels great. Want to get to the gym later today. But for now I’m attending another meeting and I’m looking forward to watching the totenham match.

2 way prayer

Dear God, thank you for a night of abstinence. I feel pain in my shoulders and neck and lower back. It’s becoming chronic and I’m scared. I also think it’s aging rearing its ugly head. years of exercise abuse and now my heaviest weight ever I feel scared god. I’m not used to waking up in pain , will physio help?

My dear dear sweet boy, it’s okay little one, its okay, we are here for you and want you to keep doing what you did yesterday. You were abstinent yesterday and we are so very happy and proud of you. You want to the gym and eased into a tight stretch and you did your meditation and yoga, well done. Congrats on sticking through the OA step study and connecting with others over zoom and showing your face. It’s going to be okay little one, all those things your are scared about. Finances health, aging, loneliness, give those to me and put it in your godbox and you will see the miracles happen. Love you little one, it’s all going to be okay!