On being Queer

Feeling lethargic today. I was abstinent from food binge yesterday, yay! Instead I turn to porn, fantasy and self pleasure. I don’t know the cravings for junk food is so fucking strong I need to numb out or distract in some way I feel. I am dealing with low body image. I hate the way my body looks and feels and that I have barley fitting pants, and I live mostly in sweat pants. Its okay Dear Krisen, it will and is getting better you dressed well today. I went to the gym yesterday, its a trainer that I admire and really like, there’s another cute guy who I like but he doesn’t give me the time of day, maybe he senses my gayness. My trainer said instead of being stuck why dont I express my bisexuailty by being femme gay one month and super hetero the next month. If only it was so easy and possible how, I dont know how to be anyone but not me and my fearfful self. Its really sad that I dont live in Uganda or republic of Georgia where they kill LGBTQ people I live in open montreal and lived near gay village Toronto but I put my own shackles, the society programming that says heterosexual is normal and homosexuality is sin and shameful , so so so shameful. I kissed a guy once and ùi was surprised that it was just like kissing a women, that really shocked me. Im spending a lot to deal with the loneliness. Im scared, I need to stop. I can handle it so far because of credit but I can’t fill the need for companionship and intimacy with gadgets, subscriptions and food. I bumped into a former colleague yesterday, it was so nice to have friends in this city. And friends who love me as I am.

my journal from Today's ACA meeting

I feel so tired today. Sugar fog from mini binge last night. Im glad I took care of myself by stopping off at motel instead of driving 3 more hours to montreal in night and sugar high. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I don’t like the weight gain, it was tough to see my sister and kids and reveal my weight gain, I felt so awkward, could feel them staring at me, what happened to the guy who had the six pack, wore a couple sizes lower and was obsessed with exercise. I’m still here, just giving in to my emotional pain and anxiety and the isolation was oh so hard. It was so nice to get hugs long hugs from my niece and nephews and even my sister and bro in law. They are so loving, they’ve seen me through the very worst and still love me no matter how I look. I know that its conditional love thought, like fish I start to wreak after a few days and then im taken for granted again and their abuse starts. Im only loved because they haven’t seen me for long and I have my own indpendence. I don’t need them like I did before for my survival and then my sister couldn’t wait to get rid of me and continue with her life. She justified it on God, she has faith in God, but really it was my mom who helped me, the closest to unconditional love that I Have, and im grateful for her, even if there is so much that I can’t tolerate. I feel so guilty that I went to Toronto, saw my sisters family and didn’t see my mom. My brother in law rubs it in and I hate him for that, all of a sudden his mom is a saint because she died and I remember conversations when all he did was yell at her. So stop your hypocrisy thinking that you had the perfect happy clappy christian family. I spent the week working in an office doing IT work, it was nice but intense and I wasn’t used to doing that type of focused work for hours, I did enjoy what I was doing though. There’s of course a nagging part that I don’t deserve the coporate office job, I don’t deserve the beautiful condo and I don’t deserve to be happy when so many people are suffering. I don’t know if that will ever leave me. It was hard seeing the homeless and addicts in Toronto. I just feel so much guilt, that’s why I identify with christian catholic flogging. my niece said she studied Adam and eve in her bible studies, here is a talented well educated future doctor and a feminist and she believes in that and being gay is a sin . Uggh I will never understand and I feel like I have to be my false self around them. So happy to have my own world in montreal, I absolutely loved the beauty of Lake Ontario and all my favourite spots and coffee shops and people who recognized me and genuinely happy to see me, miss that so much in montreal and im grateful to have a couple close friends who accept me as I am. My therapist said its okay to be happy to be back home and remember why I moved to montreal and it was a good move. And I don’t need to have black and white thinking about that. Im grateful for that. I spent so much of time trying to keep the condo clean because it was being shown to potential renters, I learned new appreciaion for having a clean place with everything put away and I hope I can declutter and ask for help in my Montreal place. It was so so nice to walk into a place that was so well organized with a beautiful view, I really did feel so luxurious. I try not to attach to things but it was a part of me that I had forgotten about and even tried to kill and suddenly for this past week it all came back to me. Maybe thats a gift from my higher power. I still have to process that.

Letting it Go..My Share at the ACA meeting this morning.

I just did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and very grateful I had a good breakfast. Yesterday was spent recovering. Just working off the sugar binge and I was grateful to be able to meet the commitments for the morning and basically just passed out due to the sugar fog hangover. I can still feel the withdrawal from relationship with my mom and the False self I guess. I read again the hitting bottom chapter 4 of ACA BRB. And how it talks about secondary addictions. I guess its like the dustbin lids or the wackamole with regards to addiction. i really don’t know how ACA BRB expects us to put the food down first because the trauma and false self is what leads to step 1 unmanageability for me. I appreciate having both the hard copy book and the audio book. I feel that what lift me out of low mood sometimes. Its a few days 3 before the condo becomes vacant. I’m just going to do the actions and promote it and work with agent. And keep lowering price. I just have a feeling that things will take care of itself with regards to the condo. There’s always the option that I can put it up on the market. I feel scared today, I dont was to feel those pains of grief of anxiety. I just get this pit in my stomach, like when the plane deceds suddenly or going down on a rollercoaste, when that happens all I want to do is numb out and I go to the junk food. Because I know the food soothes and calms me down and satiates me. I also get very bored with the food especially dinner and cannot deal with the food is just for nutrition not for pleasure. Argh. I was honest with my cousin today, he asked me to be complicit in his cheating. I told him I dont feel comfortable with that because I have a relationship with his wife. She said okay and sounded dissapointed. Setting a boundary with other people may make them hurt or angry and I risk being abandoned or in other words the relationship ending but I know that Its not my responsibility to take care or manage other peoples feelings. I can try it and believe that statement for the moment. Theres been some higher power coincidences happening like a power outage that forced the IT bully to change the infrastructure . He called it we were lucky but I just took it as a sign to not worry about things, higher power is revealing its self. But I just wanted to say Fuck you Denis the menace. It taught me a good lesson on how many chances to give people. But people reveal themselves early and I can learn how to discern. I dont have to forgive them, I just forgive myself and ask HP to steer clear from these sick people. I dont even need to pray for them. Thats their higher powers responsibility and its arrogant.

Todays ACA journaling

I had a bit of creative energy and inspiration today, I created a god box and pinned out inspiring artwork and wrote god is love on the bow. Now looking at higher definition video from youtube, its nature and very calming and beautiful. Reading is so helpful today and need to hear it. Have stuggled with weight gain, and bingeing at night. Not very happy with myself living in fear of condemnation from food programs. Very very scared that ill be told im a failure and if nothing changes nothing changes, which I know is true but I also feel is criticism. Very scared to send off invoice today, afraid that they will question it. I have support from accountant and founder but MD says I should round down which I will look at doing today. Im tired of being dependent on this client, I hate having this fear. I did a dishonest thing by rounding up my work because I didnt want to increase my rate which I’ve never done in 5 years. So im going to try and sus out my value by trying out other clients and putting estimates. I know that this current client is happy with my work and the results and support I give them. I feel like they just don’t want to pay for it.

I say a prayer when I send an invoice, I ask God for help that client receives it the same spirit that I did the work which is of joy and gratitude and genuine desire to help them find value with what I do. I have made good progress with my taxes and catchup up on the other client. I’m so grateful to have a second client, it helps my self and esteem and makes me take myself seriously as a small business owner. I get the critic voice a lot saying im kidding myself and I should just get a job like everyone else. Maybe I will but ill do that part time and keep the business going. I went to movie theatre yesterday and got popcorn and spend more money than i should. No joy from the movie and I left early and felt empty inside. I also stopped at a coffee shop, had a bit of fear around the younger woman there, cared what they thought about me, do they just see me as a creppy old guy, have to do some SLAA work. I started catching up on the taxes work and the despair left me. Today is lockdown for another month, I wanted to take advantage of sitting in a coffee shop while I can. Itès going to be a big month for me to find a tenant in toronto and im going to get a chance to stay there for a week, while I look for a tenant, im really looking forward to it, gonna be a nice break.

A difficult morning

I feel so fucking weak today, feeling self hatred . i feel fear, I asked for the $20 i filled gas in a whatsapp, and Im afraid that he thinks im cheating him because I didn’t mention when he asked how much it costs. why do i take responsibility for these motherfuckers feelings, so much caretaking, i’m soooo fucking tired of it. I binged last night on sugar and peanuts. i waste so much money on food, i hate this part of me. money I do not have. i feel so much shame about my wasting money of food. I when i binge shop i don’t even look at the prices and i tend to buy the big sized stuff. Aggh. deep breath teen K, i know you are angry as fuck, today we will hit the weights and let off some of that steam. It’s OOOOKKKKK. i need to stop watching the news, it’s fueling my anxiety and anger. Fear so much fear. My friend just acknowledged that he will pay me for the gas. Thank you Krees, im so proud of you and I’m so glad i listened to you. I went to get starbucks coffee, shared at the FAA meeting and i reached out to my FAA sponsor. I see how i go to shame hits and relive painful thoughts, i notice that I want to access them. maybe because its familiar. today i felt shame at an FAA share and i called it out and reached out to my sponsor and he was very kind and loving and i let it go. This is a new skill i’m noticing, and that mantra, i made a mistake, i’m not a mistake. i know why i don’t want to make mistakes, theres been so much shame in me acknowledging my weakness and making mistakes. i see my false self, wanting to portray the stoich, no tears, no fear, wear that mask everyting is fine outside and inside i’m falling apart. Theres even a just for today in OA, my feelings will be hurt but i will not show it…what the fuck?!

Amazing aca discussion today

I told Julia about my boring self care resources

Gary mentioned healing the shame that binds book

Dan mentioned JADE which means 

I don't need to 

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

My thoughts or beliefs or viewpoints or requests or response to requests

Patricia Ann said in the beginning just set my boundary and if I need to make amends later I can. It's a feeling and I need to honour my feelings.

I asked Gary about not feeling selfless and feeling the shame succh good validation.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Todays ACA journaling

Its a better morning. I binged on peanuts and fried chicken last night. Thankfully, I bought smaller quantities and did not go down to the convenience store In my building last night. i feel so sad that I missed my sisters call, she’s older by me 2 years and she was my substitute mother for a few years when no parents around. Its not spiritual food I ate last night. I against cruel treatment of animals and factory farming. cest la vie. Do the best I can. The food program is hard. Need to prepare in advance but food for nutrition and not for comfort I’m having a hard time getting used to. I’m often in emotional pain. Offered yesterday to lend another addict some money. Money I don’t have. Im trying to solve his problem rather than taking care of myself. In reality I wanted a different version of him. I hate his neediness, reminds me of my own. And he doesn’t want to the do the ACA work, keeps making excuses. I’m so angry that he readily accepted help. 3rd person I’ve offered large for me (sums of money too) why do I write cheques I cant cash. I gave the absued LGBTQ lady from Costa Rica money I cannot even remember her name. I gave my cousin the addict the money, he didn’t even say thank you. I feel so used by all these people. The lady checks on me all the time, I met her in the depression support group at the church. My cousin has his father and mother who can bail him out. Why do I do this I am getting into debt for these people. I can’t buy love. I want to give emotional support and money to parasites so they won’t leave me. Please please stay. I hated myself yesterday I hated my weakness. Today I told the guy that I need to take care of myself the next few days. It seems like its a long road to travel every I feel guilt about my mom and that she may never change and my sisters that they dont change and it breaks my heart. I feel like an orphan from family of origin. I am such a different person. I asked HP God for help today, help me know you in whatever forms is right for me. Im struggling with religion, yesterday the guy outside walmart saying Jesus loves me and I read the pampleth and he said we are sinners. Does that mean defects. I’m so confused. I cannot do this alone.