i talked with God yesterday

Yesterday I wrote to my dad and I told him how much I wanted to be like him and wanted his love and approval and it was so nice.he told me to let that version of him Go, he let it go, he’s no longer like that he has different values now. I told him I wished I was better with women and made him proud and how I loved how we bonded when talking about Nareen and how aggressive she was in bed and then I talked about my failed attempt on my birthday in the hotel in nyc and she not sleeping with me. That is so very painful so very painful. Dad told me to let that go and he was sorry for making those comments. I feel so much of shame but he told me to please let it go. My sexual inventory is so messy. I feel so alone now desperate for sex, intimacy a relationship and my inner teen is just raging. I feel so stuck , my inner kids asked me to stop obsessing over money and live life and stop being guilty all the time and stuck about survival. I heard them and I told them it’s still so hard, I don’t believe a higher power will look out for me as it doesn’t look out for all the suffering, I just can’t get past that its just shit luck. But I love my inner kids and I love my cat and I don’t want to burden my family and I want them to know that I’m okay I want to do it for myself. I don’t want to be cajoled, I’ve struggled so much with loneliness and addiction and just being mentally stuck. I don’t know how to get out of that. I’ve done my best but I’ve also spent a lot of time in depression, sleeping, recovering from a binge etc. everything has felt so fucking hard, everything.

another good non secular OA post

 I am writing to share my experience as an atheist in OA. I feel disappointed by the lack of articles written by atheists, particularly articles that don’t end with the author finding faith in God. Even the Big Book’s chapter “To the Agnostic” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th. ed., pp. 44–57) encourages nonbelievers to try believing in God. I assert that it’s possible to be spiritual and live a life of recovery without believing in a supernatural God.

I didn’t start out as an atheist. I grew up in a religious family, went to religious schools, married in a church, baptized our children and attended church every Sunday. When I came to OA, I was devoutly religious and embraced my God as my Higher Power.

I immersed myself in recovery from the beginning, went to meetings, got a sponsor, wrote on the Steps, made phone calls and did service. I have over three years of back-to-back abstinence and have always loved OA. It taught me how to live and to bring my religious teachings into my real life.

I’m not sure what started my questioning, but in the last year I began to look at my faith and beliefs with a more critical eye, asking what I believed and what I have been told to believe. I read books, talked with a lot of people and opened my mind to different ideas.

The end result (for now) is that I don’t believe in God as I understood God to be—one who created the world, knows the future and leads us along the path he created for us. I don’t believe God listens to my prayers, talks through other people, finds me parking spaces or keeps me abstinent.

Does this mean I don’t rely on a Higher Power? Of course not. Relying on a Higher Power is essential to my recovery. I’ve just redefined that Higher Power. I found the OA pamphlet What If I Don’t Believe in God? and the books Lifeline Sampler and Seeking the Spiritual Path helpful.

Today my Higher Power is the program Principles. When I live by them, I live a spiritual life. Instead of turning my will over to God, I turn it over to the greater good of mankind. I don’t ask God to remove my defects, but I trust that working the program will remove them. I don’t pray to God, but I meditate on releasing my defects and embracing my assets. I haven’t changed the way I work my program, just how I think of it. When I hear the word God, I think “good orderly direction,” love, or good.

The wording of the Steps and much of our literature supports belief in a personal God, as does the use of the Lord’s Prayer in some of our meetings. I am grateful these did not push me away from the program, but I wonder if religious language turned off others. In some meetings I have heard disparaging remarks about atheists.

I am not criticizing; I know the program isn’t perfect, and I plan to be an OA member for life. I encourage members to keep the door open for everyone, regardless of their beliefs or disbeliefs, and to consider how our meetings appear to those without faith. I hope to encourage others to share their experience, strength and hope. I am an example of someone who works a strong program, has been relieved of the compulsion to over- and under-eat, lives a spiritual life and is an atheist. I am sure there are many like me.

I am grateful to all who have been part of my recovery. Thank you.

— M.O., Huntingdon Valley, Pennsylvania USA

            

non secular 12 steps ESH from lifeline

 The first time I worked the Steps, more than thirty years ago, I believed in a benevolent HP who was watching my back. I was sure of this because I was very happy at that time in my life. Twenty-five years later, I had a spiritual crisis when I lost my career, and now, I believe no entity was ever watching out for me. I came to believe that both good and bad things happen to everyone in a seemingly random manner. (I say “seemingly” because there’s obviously a wisdom in the universe that has ensured our survival so far, but it is beyond my understanding.) My spiritual crisis did not affect my commitment to or reliance on OA for a spiritual path and help with my food.

I’ve had a hard time relating when people share about God or HP as an entity whom they pray to and have a relationship with. I usually share my own experience, but sometimes I politely check out with a glazed smile. To me, God or HP is an outside issue. When I have shared my program success as an agnostic, people have thanked me after the meeting, but I’ve rarely heard sharing of a similar view.

I am close to OA members who believe in an HP who is an entity. We don’t argue about it. We bond over working the Steps, using the Tools, and following Good Orderly Direction, which seems accessible to anyone who seeks consciousness. I have sponsored and been sponsored by people who believe in God or are religious; they are, after all, in the majority. I have my sponsees work the Twelve Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous.

OA literature is fairly secular, and I can easily relate to it. I ignore what I do not like; thus, I can still find it valuable. When I need to do an inventory, I use the Twelve Stepping a Problem worksheet.

This is how I adapt the Steps:

Step One. I take it as it is. Obviously, my life would have to be unmanageable for me to ask for help. Thankfully, this Step does not mention God.

Step Two. I was a mental health professional, so I’ve had trouble with the word “sanity.” Once I understood what it means in OA, I was able to admit my insanity with food and other defects. I believe I‘ve been restored to sanity by working the program. I can easily slide back into insanity, so I work this Step daily.

Step Three. I’ve learned a lot about how willful and defiant I am around food and anything else I want. Fortunately, I’ve also learned I can survive without getting my way or eating mass quantities of junk. The Third Step taught me to defer gratification and be open to guidance from sources more evolved or detached than myself.

Step Four. I’ve journaled since I was an adolescent, so Step writing has not been a stretch. I’ve gained many insights from inventories I’ve done. It’s been humbling to hear others’ inventories.

Step Five. I used to babble about my thoughts to anyone who’d listen, which was of no benefit and an avoidance of intimacy. From doing Fifth Steps, sharing in meetings, and listening to others, I have discerned what will be helpful. I skip the “to God” part, but I am careful to be honest and thorough when admitting my vulnerabilities to myself and others.

Steps Six and Seven. God is mentioned twice, and the fact that God is a “he” is not lost on me. I ignore the “God” part. In my opinion, these Steps are the core of the program. If I didn’t think OA could help me become a better person, I would not waste my time. I do not pray for my character defects to be removed; rather, I make clear my intention to replace a defect with its opposite and to be open to opportunities to practice this. I humbly admit I cannot provide those opportunities, nor can I will myself into consciousness of them or willingness to take advantage of them. Change and progress is a mysterious process, but I have witnessed positive change in myself and others, and that encourages me to keep practicing.

Steps Eight and Nine. I didn’t have nearly as many amends to make as I’d thought, but I was ridden by guilt, so what a relief to learn I’m no better or worse than any other frail human. I cleared the wreckage of the past as much as was possible at the time, and I’ve continued to make living amends to my mother. I make amends as needed for an unkind word, angry outburst, and my part in a misunderstanding. For me, these amends are required about a couple of times a month. If I‘m in doubt, I practice first with someone else in the program.

Step Ten. This is my favorite Step. My three OA partners and I do a nightly Tenth Step in the A-E-I-O-U format. We share our Tenth Steps and accept feedback, and that is a perfect way to end the day.

Step Eleven. This is my least favorite. I translate “God’s will” to mean Good Orderly Direction. I am not inclined to meditate, but I do activities, such as yoga, tai chi, swimming, and walking, that promote quiet time to hear messages, which I receive regularly. I assume they come from my subconscious, which seems to be a wiser part of myself. Sometimes, I hear what I need at a meeting.

Step Twelve. I have had many spiritual awakenings, or epiphanies, as a result of working the program, and I continue to grow as a person. I give Twelve Step service to others when the opportunity presents itself; however, I am currently on a hiatus from sponsoring after sponsoring for many years. (I lost my willingness after a run of bad experiences.) I do service at the group level and have done service at region level. Certainly, I am committed to practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs; recovery is the organizing principle of my life.

— Mercy

things are hard..coping

Earning is a problem. Not making enough to support myself and 11k plus in the line for credit debt. It sneaks up so quickly. Am willing to do some part time jobs while I build up my tolerance. I don't want to get into a job and then get into the binge cycle. I hope that I keep pushing myself enough. I can't get into catastrophic thinking and I need a plan and trust and stick to it thay keeps me moving forward. 

Today it's a study off French practice for our week off. Put erez directly in touch with bill.so that's another revenue stream loss. Part of me is giving up IT so I can look at myself honestly. It's a clean start but my thinkig is still the same and I need to look at a next career or a few ways to makes a living.

dear god 2 way prayer.

I feel pretty wrecked god, so much pain, what am I supposed to learn from this. I can adapt to every situation. Thank you for the screaming I enjoyed that , authentic screaming from pain. Fuck I hate my age and my body, I hate how old I am and how fast it flew by. It’s awful god to be in this position, just awful. Willing to help out people as I can. hurts so much to sit to sleep to stand, only thing I can do is lie down on a pillow. Just awful god, this is fucking bullshit, the timing is horrendous or is it , am I just wasting my fucking time. Fuck you god. Earthing is so fucking hard and it never stops, fuck you. Even if I’m in end I get the food addiction to keep me in checked and add to the misery fuck you God. Sometimes I just don’t wan tot live in this agony, this painful miserable fucking existence.

 

Sweet sweet boy, oh how I missed talking to you little one. Come to me, and I appreciate the talk today. We are so very proud of you little one, we see you suffer and you still act with humility tenderness and kindness listen one. It’s okay my sweet boy, it’s okay. All will be well. This too shall pass. Please do not compare yourself with others. Coming to Quebec was like coming to a different country little one. You suffered for so long at the call center and the last 3 .5 years moving and with addiction little one, you didn’t do it by yourself you had help and you helped others little one. We don’t every want you to feel like you had it easy little one. You struggled and suffered mostly in silence little one , we want you to know that you are not alone and we have not abandoned you and never will my sweet. Keep showing up, keep coming to me and keep doing your very best little one, it will all be okay my sweet boy, it will all be okay. Love gods.

binge today

 Dear god so fucking tired of binehing and getting triggered 

What the fuck god what the fuck

More chips more fat more fatigue and more hating on myself. I hate hate being addicted god, I hate feeling like I'm always doing this wrong. I hate getting triggered by stupid cunts like resh, saying 12 steps is garbage when I'm already feeling so unsure so vulneravle so lost.  Please help me god. What do u have to say?

Dear sweet boy breathe 

We love you little one

Pixk yourself and let go of this setback little one turn it over to me and get back on track my sweet. We are so very sorry we love you immensley and it hurts us when u suffer my love. I know good things are xoming your way your mind and body will be clear my sweet boy and u will once again be able to toleraye your feelings without picking up food and junk. Trust the process little one. Take care of yourself and know that your mom, resh, sisters everyone has their own higher power and all will be well my sweet. All will be well. We love you immensley little one and all will be well.

2 way prayer today.

 Dear sweet god, Thank you for last night with the food. Didn't want to reach for porn but I did. I'm going to crawl out of my skin without junk to munch on. Life feels so hard and stressful at night. Aging, money, looks, and no french, inability to call and feel I'm too rigid. Please help me get out of the roller coaster godf. Its survival mode now and I'm not doing that even.

Just feel low energy and unable to do anything. Please come to me.

My sweet sweet boy, we are so sorry little one, we are so very sorry. There there all will be okay my sweet.

Keep breathing and yogaing and putting one foot in front of the other.

Your meals and exercise are getting better.

Let the rest follow little one, let the rest follow. Trust us little one

Go to queer church in toronto and sing. You feel the spirit there.

Let your insides and outsides be one. We love you little one so so much you have come so far and we love and adore you.