Dream and Dear Krisen letter.

Dear Krisen, you are so very loved. I hope you know and believe that. I am so very sorry that things are so hard and feeling the feelings are so hard and that In essence you have given learning French and maybe montreal is not the right place for you. I’m so very sorry that everything feels so fucking hard right now. Do not despair my boy , rest in peace and rest knowing that things can get better.

Yesterday I had a dream that I needed surgery and couldn’t travel with anoop somewhere. I dreamt that one of the nurses gave me $300 and told me to go to a strip club. I went up there and ordered a coke and I sat at a table where people were making fun of gay guys but I did see some gay guys having sex. I felt so self conscious. It frustrates me that I’m so scared of the blowback of people having a problem with my sexuality. I’m frustrated that I look at so much straight porn. What’s going on there.

I looked up Nareen a lot, I was happy to see that maybe she was divorced, I was also angry, I felt a lot of anger towards her. Then I let go of the resentment by remembering she is a mother and she is probably trying her best to fend for her kids. I think my anger comes from the fact that she reminds me of my mom. She was doing public speaking and I know she really wanted to get good at that. Being a realtor is hard, it’s a sales job.

I’m super happy about 3 days of abstinence. And just a willingness to cook my own meals. Thank you OA/FAA/ACA/SLAA/DA it’s been so wonderful to focus on recovery and have some semblance of normality. I’m also extremely grateful that coffee shops have opened. That’s a huge relief. It’s so much better to work from here.

i dunno

Dear God, I am feeling mellow and chill. I have cut down on the meditation and prayer and it has been hurting me, I feel the effects spiritually, emotionally. Father I’m so hurt by peoples actions to me, when they don’t respond to me after I’ve sent them a message and we have a rapport. I know the wounds are deep and I feel the pain often and I just want to cut them off. Spending so much time to cultivate a relationship and then to cut them off. Please God help me with this, I feel like I will end up alone because I have such a hard time feeling disappointed and let down with people. How do I trust myself and be honest with people when there is so much fear of retaliation and ultimately being abandoned. So much passive aggression acting out, with people like Jeremy, Diana, Amy, it’s caused me so much grief. I’ve also had magical thinking and expecting them to read my mind. Just fucking tired of it.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, all is well. Trust the path I am making for you. Walk by that path. All these past hurts and doors closed are your chance to grieve little one. Let go of the shame and hurt my love, we need to cleanse them away. I am here for you. You have had so much repression of feelings my dear boy. So very much. You have had so much hurt my boy. It’s time to feel my love. It’s okay to feel all your feelings little one. We want you to know that you are so very loved and you will be comforted, heard and protected. We won’t let anyone hurt you anymore without our permission. Lots of love and hugs, God.

2 way prayer 🙏🏼

Dear dear sweet God, thank you thank you for letting things go so well yesterday and giving me guidance on the next right actions .thank you for having my mom come here and just show up, she helped alot. I realize that I could ask her for help even when I felt so much rage and resentment and Im glad I had you to turn to. I hate how I am when I feel so overwhelmed and anxious maybe I needed to do more prep work but I was so consumed by the fucking food and today for the first day I feel peace. please help me dear God I'm so tired of being in the fucking food and living in a state of depression and despair. I want to change god I want to let go and trust and do the next right action. Please dear God please help me. What do I do?

begging God for next right action

Dear God, here I am , are you there. Please god, I need help with abstinence and I’d like to take it meal by meal. With life in between. I feel so overwhelmed god, thank you for the condo and the mortgage and all the good things that have happened as a result, I’m truly grateful for the opportunity. I honestly can’t believe this went through. Dear God, I’m grateful for the sleep and getting up and staying with OA and program. I’m grateful for having my friend to share with how I felt so fukcing iolagted. Fuck you Bob, fuck you Joanna, for not wanting me fuck all of youz. Thank you god for Jonathan and sharing my heart out. I don’t know why everything is so fucking hard God. I’m willing to go against myself and put abstinence first. I’m willing god. I just don’t want to fucking die of diabetes and lose a limb or heart disease god. I just don’t know what the fuck you want from me god. it’s cruel to have so much hope and grandeur dreams and to fall on my ass wit this addiction what the fuck god. I don’t know I overfeel, I try to be the good guy to all and then I fucking get stomped on my heart. I just don’t know what the fuck you want from me for fucks sake. I just feel so alone and so much like a fucking loser. It sucks ass God, It really sucks ass.

2 way prayer

Dearest God, thank you for the strength and guidance to have a good food night. I was so ill after the last binge the night before. So very grateful to get back on track God. Thank you Thank you Thank yo. I’m so happy to have finally sent out the Christmas card to Reo. I’ll send more today. I am scared God about the finances and my debating. And my ability to earn and be stable. I want a productive life God. The world events are saddening me and make me apathetic. I don’t want to be apathetic god. I want to be stable and empowered to live a happy purposed filled life aligned with your will God. How do I make that happen. I am very tired of the binge cycle and the obsessive mind. Please God show me how to fill that God sized hole so I don’t go to compulsions/addictions.

Dearest Sweet boy of mine, love of my life. Breathe little one, it’s all going to be okay. I’m sorry for all the physical and emotional pain. It happens my boy, part of life and I will never abandon you my son. Breathe out fear, anxiety, depression, jealousy, hatred and breath in love, strength and bewilderment. You have the gift of life my boy, use it well. I’m so proud of you, we are so proud of you, paying your bills and taking the steps to live within your means. It will get better son. I promise you that it will. About your sister not messaging you, it’s okay my son. Send her love and light and move on. She will come around as they all have their own lives to manage with ups and downs. This too shall pass. I feel your hurt and I feel your pain. It’s okay to grieve the relationships that you lost or what you wanted and didn’t not get. It’s okay little one. It’s okay my love, your time is coming. Make that vision board and don’t be afraid to dream. You desires are being fulfilled, it’s all happening at the right time little one.

please help me god, i feel so sick and tired

Dearest God, thank you for helping me get through this difficult time. It’s been so very hard with the bronchitis and the food and the depression and the anger and the rage and the sadness that comes up with grief. I feel like an emotional mess all the fucking time. Will you please help me God. I’m tired of labels, so many years of I’m this and I’m that and I reject it all God for fuck’s sake, I’m not a robot.

My dearest sweet child. I feel your pain and I shed tears even when you can’t. I know what you have been through and I know how hard your try to be a loving responsible adult who struggles with being and acting in the world. Rest in my lap and bosom my little one. You are loved, cherished and adored. The answers are coming little one, they are coming. Please be patient. Keep dreaming, yes this is allowed and welcomed and urged. Keep laughing with little K and Knees, this is all happening wonderful and we are so thrilled.

Love God.

rantings with God

Dear God, I’m so tired of being sick, of being scared. Of feeling guilty and afraid all the fucking time, please help me get closer to you God. I don’t want to live another day of my life in fear. God, I’m upset at having to sell the stock, I don’t have a lot of energy dear god today, I still feel sick, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you know this, you are part of me. Thank you dear God for the resilience with food, it’s so fucking hard the cravings god. I feel so scared for Karla, please help her god, please have the right people show up for her. God, I just want to play out the next 33days the absolute best I can, I’m so very scared God. I need some help and I’m so bloody scared, will you please help me dear God. It’s all so overwhelming and I lost money and I’m so sad about that. Please dear God, I don’t want to fall flat on my arse, I’m trying my best but I need to turn this over to you God. I’m trying not to dip anymore into my line of credit, I know where this thinking leads me and I’m trying to live within my budget dear God. Thank you for the strength yesterday to respond to the email about work, God I feel so very sad for all in program who are in awful positions, me included God. I feel scared that the government is going to claw back the funding they gave to me and that’s okay God. I can’t live in fear, I’ve been running away too fucking much. I feel like the carpet is going to drop all the time, but I’m so grateful to have the support of sandy, and my sister who really lifts me up God. I hope that I can be okay God, I just want to live with peace today. Everything can be so hard at times. I only want to live in peace today God. Will you please help me just for this day God.

Dearest precious son, breathe, next right action, our debtors anonymous meeting, your al anon and mediations, I know it’s so hard son, you have limited energy today. You will recored your hours and you are going to pay your rent, just be at east my son, this will also pass. Just try to be at ease my son. Make an appointment with the mortgage specialist at CIBC and show him the plan. This will pass my son, this will pass.

Dear God, I feel so unvalidated in Al anon meeting today, I feel like I made a mistake sharing. I’m so tired god, I’m so tired, please help me with the next right action. I’m selling my stock to pay the rent and I feel like a fool. I have no more money coming in until I send this invoice today. Will you please guide me god please remove my pride, my laziness so that I can make money to live within my means. god. I’m so scared of getting sucked in. I’m so scared of being less than a man. I’m so scared god of everything. Prudent reserve and god will help me. Please remove the pride god, please help me with this.