Todays ACA journaling

I had a bit of creative energy and inspiration today, I created a god box and pinned out inspiring artwork and wrote god is love on the bow. Now looking at higher definition video from youtube, its nature and very calming and beautiful. Reading is so helpful today and need to hear it. Have stuggled with weight gain, and bingeing at night. Not very happy with myself living in fear of condemnation from food programs. Very very scared that ill be told im a failure and if nothing changes nothing changes, which I know is true but I also feel is criticism. Very scared to send off invoice today, afraid that they will question it. I have support from accountant and founder but MD says I should round down which I will look at doing today. Im tired of being dependent on this client, I hate having this fear. I did a dishonest thing by rounding up my work because I didnt want to increase my rate which I’ve never done in 5 years. So im going to try and sus out my value by trying out other clients and putting estimates. I know that this current client is happy with my work and the results and support I give them. I feel like they just don’t want to pay for it.

I say a prayer when I send an invoice, I ask God for help that client receives it the same spirit that I did the work which is of joy and gratitude and genuine desire to help them find value with what I do. I have made good progress with my taxes and catchup up on the other client. I’m so grateful to have a second client, it helps my self and esteem and makes me take myself seriously as a small business owner. I get the critic voice a lot saying im kidding myself and I should just get a job like everyone else. Maybe I will but ill do that part time and keep the business going. I went to movie theatre yesterday and got popcorn and spend more money than i should. No joy from the movie and I left early and felt empty inside. I also stopped at a coffee shop, had a bit of fear around the younger woman there, cared what they thought about me, do they just see me as a creppy old guy, have to do some SLAA work. I started catching up on the taxes work and the despair left me. Today is lockdown for another month, I wanted to take advantage of sitting in a coffee shop while I can. Itès going to be a big month for me to find a tenant in toronto and im going to get a chance to stay there for a week, while I look for a tenant, im really looking forward to it, gonna be a nice break.

A difficult morning

I feel so fucking weak today, feeling self hatred . i feel fear, I asked for the $20 i filled gas in a whatsapp, and Im afraid that he thinks im cheating him because I didn’t mention when he asked how much it costs. why do i take responsibility for these motherfuckers feelings, so much caretaking, i’m soooo fucking tired of it. I binged last night on sugar and peanuts. i waste so much money on food, i hate this part of me. money I do not have. i feel so much shame about my wasting money of food. I when i binge shop i don’t even look at the prices and i tend to buy the big sized stuff. Aggh. deep breath teen K, i know you are angry as fuck, today we will hit the weights and let off some of that steam. It’s OOOOKKKKK. i need to stop watching the news, it’s fueling my anxiety and anger. Fear so much fear. My friend just acknowledged that he will pay me for the gas. Thank you Krees, im so proud of you and I’m so glad i listened to you. I went to get starbucks coffee, shared at the FAA meeting and i reached out to my FAA sponsor. I see how i go to shame hits and relive painful thoughts, i notice that I want to access them. maybe because its familiar. today i felt shame at an FAA share and i called it out and reached out to my sponsor and he was very kind and loving and i let it go. This is a new skill i’m noticing, and that mantra, i made a mistake, i’m not a mistake. i know why i don’t want to make mistakes, theres been so much shame in me acknowledging my weakness and making mistakes. i see my false self, wanting to portray the stoich, no tears, no fear, wear that mask everyting is fine outside and inside i’m falling apart. Theres even a just for today in OA, my feelings will be hurt but i will not show it…what the fuck?!

Amazing aca discussion today

I told Julia about my boring self care resources

Gary mentioned healing the shame that binds book

Dan mentioned JADE which means 

I don't need to 

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

My thoughts or beliefs or viewpoints or requests or response to requests

Patricia Ann said in the beginning just set my boundary and if I need to make amends later I can. It's a feeling and I need to honour my feelings.

I asked Gary about not feeling selfless and feeling the shame succh good validation.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Todays ACA journaling

Its a better morning. I binged on peanuts and fried chicken last night. Thankfully, I bought smaller quantities and did not go down to the convenience store In my building last night. i feel so sad that I missed my sisters call, she’s older by me 2 years and she was my substitute mother for a few years when no parents around. Its not spiritual food I ate last night. I against cruel treatment of animals and factory farming. cest la vie. Do the best I can. The food program is hard. Need to prepare in advance but food for nutrition and not for comfort I’m having a hard time getting used to. I’m often in emotional pain. Offered yesterday to lend another addict some money. Money I don’t have. Im trying to solve his problem rather than taking care of myself. In reality I wanted a different version of him. I hate his neediness, reminds me of my own. And he doesn’t want to the do the ACA work, keeps making excuses. I’m so angry that he readily accepted help. 3rd person I’ve offered large for me (sums of money too) why do I write cheques I cant cash. I gave the absued LGBTQ lady from Costa Rica money I cannot even remember her name. I gave my cousin the addict the money, he didn’t even say thank you. I feel so used by all these people. The lady checks on me all the time, I met her in the depression support group at the church. My cousin has his father and mother who can bail him out. Why do I do this I am getting into debt for these people. I can’t buy love. I want to give emotional support and money to parasites so they won’t leave me. Please please stay. I hated myself yesterday I hated my weakness. Today I told the guy that I need to take care of myself the next few days. It seems like its a long road to travel every I feel guilt about my mom and that she may never change and my sisters that they dont change and it breaks my heart. I feel like an orphan from family of origin. I am such a different person. I asked HP God for help today, help me know you in whatever forms is right for me. Im struggling with religion, yesterday the guy outside walmart saying Jesus loves me and I read the pampleth and he said we are sinners. Does that mean defects. I’m so confused. I cannot do this alone.

Dazed and confused

 Been a while since i used this title. I feel so out of it today. I had a Binge last night. Agggh, feel like shit and i don’t like how my belly loooks like umm a belly. I’m relaxing by listening to calming music while drinking Starbucks coffee, okay there’s a contradiction. I had to send an email about an IT initiative and I’m so scared. The owner wants me to be more proactive and take it on but i just don’t have the server administration skills to do this. I’ve tried multiple times but its not my interest and i end up procrastinating things. I guess, its a good sign that if I’m procrastinating something, it’s a shoulda versus i wanna. Taken me so long to realize, right now the shoulda’s are. I should learn French. There’s a part of me that want’s to and i enjoy speaking it when i do, but i feel so insecure and low esteem that I always err on the let’s do English instead. 

It’s been very humbling to have to deal with plumbing issues. And to face my grief so many feelings come up and the hardest thing is now what the hell do i want in this thing called life. What do i want in terms of love, making an income etc. I am clinging less to IT as my identity and recognizing strengths in other area, i won’t be defined by the things i can’t do but the things i can and that is my strength, I’m going to be honest about this because lying to myself really does suck. 

visit to a jewish cemetery

It is a massive and humbling place . 60,000 units and some older than a 100 years wow. 

So fucking scared today

I wore my pride mask today and was insulted by this hairdresser, who is from Tunisia, i guess I need to comply if i don’t want the attention, am i seeking negative attention, i don’t really fucking know. I’m just scared every time i wear that damn mask, and today didn’t help. I keep expecting to get gay bashed. I can’t imagine how openly gay and trans people deal with the anxiety, it must be so constant. As it is, i have PTSD from bullying and being an adult child. So I’m not super comfortable in public but I’m really getting a lot lot better i guess, as i get older, I’m so used to fucking being alone so what’s the harm if i wear this pride mask and announce my sexuality to whomever i encounter. One fucking encounter and now I’m super hyper vigilant. Does it get easier. David said i need to find my tribe. I guess i will. 

Peace and love

Krisen