god, it's so hard

Dear Dear sweet sweet god. Here I am my love. Thank you for the peace around food last night. Thank you for the sharing and I’m very very grateful to let go and let you in. I’m so happy that Uma responded, thank you god for the guidance. I felt so scared, I didn’t think she would respond. It causes me so much grief god, I don’t want to destroy whatever little relationships I have. It’s not okay to cut off, I just don’t want to do that any more. Dear god, struggling with spending and wanting more more more all the time. Please help me show me what I should do. It’s so hard god, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I feel like I’m missing out on the life that I’ve been blessed to receive. Please help me my love. I’m grateful for the water my eyes and my limbs. I just want to keep on the path. I want to take it easier and relax and have easier days god.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, I know and it’s going to be alright my love. I’ve missed you my love, it’s been a while. What to say my boy, we love you and were here for you. It’s okay to do good in the world my boy, soon there will be more good and less people stuck in disfunction and fear, it’s okay little one, just breath and know that you are so very loved my little one. It’s okay.

I feel so much unworthiness, fear, unlovable turning to porn, feeling so shit from doing the same actions over and over again, I don’t know if I’m getting better god, I just know it hurts so much and I’m so afraid of being in that pain. Please god show me the best way, show me love, show me spirit, show me something.

We weep boy, we see what goes on and we weep, keep reading keep writing, keep listening, keep seeing, keep feeling, keep playing, keep laughing, keep smiling, it’s all going to be okay my love, it’s all going to get better, we promise you, we love you little one, we love you so very much.

Typical attacks from the inner critic - from Pete Walker

Pete Walker and the trauma recovery gurus really helped me in my journey from acting out old defense patters from childhood and recognzing them in adulthood. here are some of the things I watch out for.  

[Perfectionism|attacks] 

1. perfectionism 

My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain support in my neglectful family. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved. 

2. All-or-none / black-and-white THInking 

I reject extreme or over-generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative event does not mean I am stuck in a never- ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me in “always” or “never” are rarely true. 

3. self-hate / Self-disgust / toxic shame 

I commit to loving myself. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I transfer back the shame and disgust to the person who is judging me for my normal emotions of anger, fear and sadness. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit. 

4. Micromanaging / Worrying / obsessing / over-futurizing

I will not micromanage others or myself. I work in a way that is “good enough”. I accept that sometimes, my efforts bring desired results, and sometimes they do not. . I will not try to control the uncontrollable.

    

[Perfectionism|attacks] 

5. devaluing comparisons to others or most perfect moments 

I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. Sometimes, reality is not as it seems. You only see what others want you to see. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad. 

6. guilt 

Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I feel guilty and afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”. If I end up hurting someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I will allow myself to be human. 

7. shoulding 

I will not put unreasonable demands and pressure on myself. I will focus on what I really want to do and what is important to me. 

8. over-productivity / busyholism / workaholism 

  

I am a human being not a human doing. I will choose not to be perpetually productive. I will balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform all the time. 

9. Harsh judgments of self & others / name-calling 

 

I will not let the bullies of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightly belong to my dysfunctional caretakers onto myself or current people in my life. 

[endangerment|attacks] 

10. drasticizing / catastrophizing / hypochondriasizing 

I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not in trouble with my parents anymore. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. I will not turn every ache into a story of me dying. I am safe and at peace. 

11. Negative focus 

I renounce over-noticing and dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities. I remember the many gifts and beauties of life. 

12. Time urgency 

I am not in danger. I do not need to hurry. I am learning to enjoy living at a relaxed pace. I slow down my breathing and relax my muscles. 

13. Disabling performance anxiety 

 

I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism. I will not ask myself to be perfect and allow myself to make mistakes. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions. 

14. Expecting an attack from others 

I will not project my past bullies onto others, unless
there are clear signs of danger. Most people are peaceful. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection against those who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support. 

AUTHOR: 

Pete Walker, from the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving 

loving myself a letter to God

Dear sweet sweet God, thank you for the laugh yesterday , it really helped me to just laugh out loud and from my belly. And thank you for frank not calling me that helped me too. God I need some help please please please help me get out of the isolation and depression and go towards life and socializing and loving what I have. Please give me the strength dear god to keep this place clean and less clutter god, I need to rent out this place and I’m worried about the floors, please please please help me God. I a so scared of my ability to work and my debating. I don’t know if I am on the path to destruction. Please God help me.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, we are so proud of you for cleaning the bathroom, it looks incredible and we are so very proud of you for turning to us and staying away from the junk. We love you little one, it’s so so nice to hear you laugh. You are doing so well, please keep being you keep finding the joy in little things. All is not lost little one. It makes us so so so happy and proud and tickles us pink when you laugh out loud. You’re welcome little one, we have your back, and we will only lead you to things that are in your best interest, growth things . Change little one, we will lead you to change that is in your best interest. We cry little one we hate seeing you in pain.

I feel so scared God, I feel rudderless and directionless and it’s so very scary. I want companionship God but I’m so very scared of it God. I don’t know whether real or not, will you please help me God.

It’s okay little one, its okay my sweet sweet boy, please breath little one breath out fear and despair and breath in light, love and joy little one. Just breath it in my love. Breath little one, its all going to be okay it’s coming little one.

feeliing like crap today

Dear God, I don’t know what to do today. I feel so frazzled. please guide me to the next right action. Today I just feel like lazing. I know that I have to get up and show up everyday like majority of the world does. Pay my spiritual penance or pay off my karmic debt. Is that what it is god. I don’t know. Please tell me how I should be because I feel pretty fucking wretched today. Okay I’ll go and buy the oatmeal god and the bananas and go from there.

Trusting HP and giving them my fears.

Dear dear sweet god. I need your help today please and thank you as always for your blessings. God I really truly appreciate the help to make friends with Max. I feel so happy to face my fears, please god, protect my heart please God give me the strength to face rejection and humiliation for whatever else happens. I need you today my dearest sweet God, please take away my paralyzing fear today God.

My dear dear sweet sweet boy, you don’t have to ask, it’s okay my love. It’s okay, breath my little sweet boy, breathe. We love you so very very much. I know you are afraid of getting hurt and it will be painful my son, we are not going to sugar coat it, it will hurt but we will give you the strength to handle it and it will pass my dear sweet sweet boy, it will pass. You can’t ever be abandoned any more son , you are no longer powerless and helpless, you can turn to us and your little tribe to help you and comfort you and soothe you little one. You are no longer that helpless repressed little boy, you can be free my love please do not despair. We will shine our love and protection on you and I will help you little one. Do not despair little one it’s all going to be okay . We love and adore you and are so proud of you little one. We are so happy to see you and you don’t have to be perfect any more little one, you are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed little one. Please do not despair my love. Trust me my love.

today's 2 way prayer

Dear Dear God, WTF WTF I don’t want to keep bingeing and hating myself please show me the door and path to you dear God. I want to feel the peace and know the next right action. It is so very hard god, please guide me out of the despair.

Dearest Sweet sweet boy, it’s okay my little one. Remember 4-4-6 ujai breathing. Remember art of living meditation I am so very sorry that love has been so elusive for you. Love of yourself, love of others and most of all, romantic love. It is so painful little one, I know it is. you were never meant to live life solo. You were meant to love and be loved. Don’t despair my boy, better days are ahead. Look at al the gifts you received yesterday, what a nice conversation you had with Denis. Let Go and let love my dear one. Trust me dear, TRUST Me. You are so very very loved and adored.

2 way prayer wednesday morning

Dear Dear Dear Dearest God, thank you dear loving God for keeping me safe and helping me bounce back after I numbed myself with food the other day. God, when will the frustration and rage stop. When will the tears come dear sweet God? It’s so hard to keep getting up everyday, putting my adult pants on and trying to be hopeful and optimistic. I’ve been angry with the world and feeling like my life is slipping away. What’s the point of having all this love and compassion and empathy if I turn it against myself with food bingeing, people pleasing , codependency and other addictions. It’s ridiculous, please help me god.

My dear dear sweet boy, haaaaaaa, deep breath my love. It’s all going to be okay. It’s all working out perfectly. I am so sorry that you are going through this my love. Please do the next right action, set the boundary, self care, clean your place, take your medication water the plants and shower little one. It’s all happening perfectly and yes this too shall pass. I weep too my love, humanity is frail and flawed and I feel powerless tooo. We want you to to be filled with love, joy, hope and inspired purpose. It’s not a natural state to be in despair. All we know is love and we want that for you too, hang in there little one.