my thoughts re: A.

it’s been 4 days since I last contacted her. it’s getting easy an it’s getting harder. not the same waves of grief I felt before, i guess because everything that needed to be said has been said, and I feel some hurt and resentment.

Here’s What i didn’t like about her:

1. i couldn’t chat on the phone with her..not her fault but It sucked because i like to talk on the phone.
2. her desire to have a kid to help with recovery, that’s ass backwards thinking..good for her maybe but definitely not good for the kid.
3. her self centeredness. I would say something and then it wasn’t about me, it was about her. I really couldn’t figure her out until i started to feel like holy fuck my needs are not getting met.
4. the threat of “if you leave me”, i will be heatbroken etc…emotionall blackmail.
5. her childishness, not over emails but more over texting, i guess who she was when she let down her guard.
6. her sense of entitlment, and blaming her behaviours solely on her ED and not taking responsiblity for her actions
7. rejecting me, maybe not without merit but it still sucks monkey balls
8. telling me she loved and adored me and to find out it was just as a friend…what the fuck!!!
9. how she baited me by taking my number from the phone list and then texting me..like did i even have a chance given my state of neediness.
10. when i asked her to tell me a joke it was so bloody childish that It didn’t even make me smile. when I asked a guy my age to tell me a joke, he sent me one and I howled.
11. not understanding her white priviledge.. like if that happend to a black person she would be in prison for many years..this is not about A, it’s more about the ignorance of people in general and more my frustrations about the state of the world in general.
12. Taking me for granted when i sent her stuff and her NEVER sending me anything in return, except for her ED writing…which was really really good, see what i liked about her.
13. not beoing able to differentiate that stealing is stealing, whether its a block of cheese or an iphone, it’s the same fucking thing.
14. How could I possibly trust her, when she lied to me, mabye it’s because of her anxiety and not wanting to meet me etc..but still.
15. that I wanted her to stop her bullimia and i was powerless to help her stop. This is on me.
16. Every now and then she would rage on me..and I was really irritated by her self pity.

Here’s what i liked about her:

1. Such a sweet senstive and beautiful heart
2. took an active interest in my life and shared my pain with me and loved me anyway.
3. Didn’t want to lead me on or hurt me, i appreciated that.
4. helped me and supported me and wanted me to grow except for times when she made comments that sounded jealous, “ like when I told her i cold turkey quit coffee..she said “I’m one of those guys that goes all in” it wasn’t that supportive.
5. so fucking gorgeous - illusion because it was maitained by purging.

I am very grateful that in this short but intense relationship , I was able to ask for my Needs . I was able to write letters when I sensed her withdrawal and I was able to talk to my therapist and take the pain rather than not live in reality and find out the truth about how she truly felt about me.

Grateful day

Glorious swim

Nice chat with my new happy friend Gustavo

‎Chats with luanne,nick and Terry my sponsor

Nice nap

Holding my self and keeping safe with mom fight

Gym and oa meeting

Steam code Work at starbucks

‎Finding a great pair of shoes

Nice warm chat with Aivar

Hugs from ladies in program

Playing with the money teddy bear

Great meals today..so blessed to eat like a king

Great friend in Roy

Sharing at the OA phone meeting. 

Checking out value village and winners

Nice visit with the Fido peeps!

Withdrawal

A. Told me that when she said she loved me it was as a friend. And then tried to soften the message. I feel so hurt and angry and rejected. And now I realize I did the same when I told someone that I loved them just to get them in bed. We had a talk after that..she told me don't be careless when using the word love.it stuck with me and I made an assumption with A. that love meant being in love. I feel gutted about that. It's triggering of past betrayals and hurts.

I feel sadness more than anger and I feel exhaustion.. I don't know what I feel about A. anymore..just feel so fucking used. 

I've given up on love with a woman...fuck that! Maybe I'm destined to be with a guy..my mom says it's the same no matter guy or woman..i don't know the most compatible I felt was with my guy friend P.we got each other and ‎he said he ended up getting a woman like me. Maybe so..I hate fucking comparisons. So there it is..another emotionally charged mindfuck. Similar to the lady from MUFG...arggghh.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Pining in my heart

A. Thank you for the love you gave me, the tender words and oh how beautifully you write. I admire you and miss hearing the sound of your beautiful voice. I miss your jokes and the way you expressed yourself when you were angry and frustrated. I miss our "fuck the world" sessions and oh how I miss seeing your beautiful face. I only wish you could see what I see, your beauty and your tender heart. I wish all those beautiful encouraging words you told me, that u could say those words to yourself and believe it. I regret not being there for you and just hugging you and telling you that everything is okay. I wish I could have gone at your pace and somehow suppressed my needs and sexual desires. I'm sorry I couldn't do that.

Loving you now and I want you to have peace and joy in your life. It's time to end the pain and suffering.

So so so hard

A I yearn for you,  I pine for you. I want to rub my hands through your beautiful curly hair and hold my cheek tenderly next to yours like we did the first time we had lunch together. How can such a sweet loving woman come into my life and touch my heart just through one meet and a couple hugs. I would give anything to be with you, to hug you, to caress you and lie in bed with you gently kissing and cuddling you. I wish there was a way......

dear God please help me

Please help me with the day today, i know that so many people are suffering and all i want is to just let go please god, just help me let go of A. , just help me be at peace with myself, please dear God. I’m so fucking drained. I’m so drained of Gossip and people pleasing. i just want to do the best I can. do your step work Krisen, commit your burdens to me

trying new things - Improv meetup group

Yesterday I attended a meetup group for improv. It was scary and fun and I really had to motivate myself to attend. It's hard to try out new things, especially where I have to put myself out there. I texted my friend Reena to make my commitment. Highlights from the class: participating and laughing with a couple guys. Lowlights, being emasculated by a young lady during the scene where we are stranded on park with a bear. I wanted to leave after an hour into it but I stayed for practice till   5 minutes to the end. so that was good practice for me to break out of isolation.