letter to god

Dear God, so angry so much frustratoin, fear, regret, resentments. i don't want to be like my  mother. i feel like i'm already her, never satisfied, always looking to change, looking for others to make me happy. Please help me god, struggling to let go of the past, and old friends who i don't have a close relationship with and rely on. help new trust the new ones. even if they are not exciting as the old. Tired of not getting my needs met through intimacy of a friednship and using food which is vicious and horrible and erodes at my self esteem. just like porn, spending, debting, and other compulsive behaviours. what kind of higher power are  you, maybe you are just a cruel power?

 Sweet child we love you and want you to be free to be you! we love all of you , the real  you, mak off and not people pleasing. you are never alone sweet child. get out there and live your best life. cry if you can , feel all your feelings and know that  you will never be alone through it all. 

2 way prayer from this morning.

Dear God, so painful everyday, it’s so hard with money work night bingeing mindless shows, please please God, help me. I want to feel my feelings everyday, deal with it, let it out and not be stuck in misery, loneliness and despair. Please show me how to be in my creative brain god, guide me , I want to trust you more and turn things over. I hate being in addiction., I want to live the gentler softer way and not be in fight, flight freeze mode. Please help me god.

My dear dear sweet boy, breathe little one, deep breaths let out fear regret hurt shame and anger and let in love, strength , hope and light little one. You will be okay my sweet sweet boy. You will be okay. You are so very loved little one, so very loved. We know you will be okay it’s going to be okay little one, we promise. We don’t want to see you suffer little one, we don’t want you to feel despair all is well my sweet. Trust the recovery process, let out your feelings, share with others. Let us love you and guide you my sweet, we have infinite wisdom and will guide you to the choice that is right for you. You are truly truly loved little one, all is well.

2 way prayer on kitten caring stress and not getting needs met from friends

Dear God, thank you for a better might. Jean Luc is getting hard to care for , the insight about the clay litter and him getting it all over my bed and cross contamination is fucking scary. Fuck he is so needy I didn’t expect this, it’s like having a fucking child. How did I get myself into this. I can’t binge because he always wants to be touch the food an dI can’t isolate, is this what the fucking doctor ordered God?

My dear dear dear sweet boy, please forgive me, all I can think of saying is “you are welcome”. The little kitten is exactly what you need right now and you will figure out boundaries my sweet boy. It’s fantastic that you shower him with a lot of love and affection and that you have a balcony that you can take him out regularly , he loves it and when inspired take him out in the cage to visit others. It’s going to be okay my sweet sweet boy, please trust me that I will alway guide you to your best outcomes and sometimes IT will feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry about hearing that Lucia Capacchione took her own life, I know it made you feel devastated because you are following her recovery ways and you feel let down because she still took her own life at 85. I’m glad you saw her daughters note and how honest they were. Keep following her guidance little one. Be the thriver . It’s going so well letting out the anger and doing the creative journal and we are so immensley proud of you.

We are so sorry little one that all you old family guy friends are not responding to you. It’s not about you little one, they have a 100 things on their mind and maybe you’re number 96 on that list, making sure Krisen feels heard. It’s not your fault little one, you were following directions and sometimes they are so self absorbed also and not in recovery. Focus on safe friendships little one. About the food little one and the 12 steps, we are glad that you are leaving meetings once they feel shame inducing for you. We are so thrilled that you are giving new meetings phone and zoom a chance. That is the way little open mindedness and trusting the process. Keep challenging the little voice with the protective parent, who says, is that so, well I am this this and I did this this and this so I don’t believe you mr critic. Be ever so gentle with yourself, we want you to feel the immense love we have for you and are so very very proud of you.

Love gods

BPD traits

 Defintion of Personality Border: Pattern of abnormal thoughts and behaviors that impairs relationship with others. 

as with any list it's a generalization.. not all apply or can happen x percent of time.

Behavriours  of ideal mother : 

Comforts her child

Apologies for inappropriate behavior

Takes care of herself

Encourages independence in her children

Is proud of childrens accomplishment

Builds her children self esteem

Calms and soothes her children

Responds to her childrens changings needs

Disciplines with logical and natural consequences

Expects that her children will be loved by others

Never threatens abandonment. 

Believes In her children’s basic goodness

Trusts her children

Borderline mother behaviors :

Confuses her child

Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavious

Expects to be taken cared off

Punishes or discourages independence

Envies, ignores or demeans her childrens’ accomplishments

Destroys ,denigrates or undermine self esteem

Expects children to responds to her needs. 

Frightens and upsets her children

Disciplines inconsistently or punitively

Feels left out jealour or resentlful if child is loved by someone else

Uses threat of abandonment or actual abandonment to punish the child

Does not believe in her children basic goodness

Does not trust her children. 

Diagnosed of BPD if have 5 of the below traits

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2.A pattern of unstable or intense relationships

3.Unstable self image or sense of self

4.Impulsiveness or behavior that could be self destructive: spending, sex , substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, 

5.Suicidal gestures / threats or self mutilating behavior

6.Intense moodiness/rapid mood changes

7.Feelings of emptiness

8.Inappropriate intense anger

9.Stress induced paranoid thoughts or dissociative (loses touch with reality)

2 way prayer thank you god

I did my 2 way prayer today and shared it with the group. I can’t find the page I did the writing on . I’m already tired, woke up at 1am, had a few cups of coffee , I also went to the gym and I share at the FAA 545 am meeting. And that was nice. Feel sleepy now. I setup the desktop for one of the guys at Derrig, made me feel very hopeful. Gosh I feel very sleepy now. Horrible conditions in parts of Somalia. Somaliland is good though. Payment guy ceo is treated like a rockstar in the community but why.

Went to gym , cardio. soo sleepy, can I sleep?

weight gain, bingeing, loneliness and despair

Dear God, thank you the binge wasn’t worse God, thank you and I need help God. The weight gain is so bad. I feel scared and shame and anger with myself and for those asking me questions about my abstinence, shut the fuck up. I don’t want to feel worse about myself by analyzing this behaviour. I fucking hate that going into the food is what I do night in and night out I’m scared God of ballooning and struggling under the weight of debting and not making enough overspending.

My dear dear sweet boy. Have not heard from you in a while little one. It’s okay my sweet. You are feeling intense pain and loneliness little one. Let go of the weight for now. Focus on a night of blissful abstinence. Good for you on scheduling a 5th for Sunday, we are so thrilled of your willingness to do the 4th, let go of the fear, negativity and toxicity little one. It’s happening beautifully and magically and fine and we love you so so very much.

Love God

notes from Margaret session

Margaret talked about developing a psychic shield

Love deficit, love seeking - how can I fill that love void?

Hard for me to trust based on rejecting and abandonment in past. Depression for a year after breaking up with Nareen. 20 years without relationship. It’s going to be okay it’s not my fault. I’m not the same person that I was then, I’ve grown and I’ve got more support.

I will make mistakes. Hard finding same people who have emotional space to give.

We are all flawed human beings.