a good reading from For Today ACA

 This highlighted passage really stood out to me. I feel like if I open the taps of the tears I won't be able to stop. 

Finding Value in the Past

"Through recovery, we realize our childhood experiences have great spiritual value. We recognize that we can help ourselves and others." BRB p. 334

In ACA, our journey back to the trauma of our childhoods does not come without pain. For some of us, the intensity of the feelings may be greater now than they were then because we were not allowed to feel or show our feelings as children. As adults, until we started this journey, most of us did not let ourselves feel the powerlessness and vulnerability that is necessary to heal our woundedness.

At the start of recovery, if someone had said that one day we would look at our childhood experiences as having value, many of us might have had great doubt that would occur. Some of us avoided this journey because we thought that if we ever started to cry, we wouldn't be able to stop. But with faith in our Higher Power and the strength of our fellow travelers, we became willing.

The guidance of the Steps and the support of other ACAs helped us release the pain of our past. The sharing of our experiences helped us see spiritual value in what we were finding, not only for ourselves, but because of the hope we offered to other recovering adult children.

On this day I know that being willing to share my journey helps me first and foremost, but it also helps others understand that this journey is spiritual. I am now able to reconcile my past and live in serenity.

I don’t know where to begin. Fat bloated, irritated, hungover. Trying my best to stay with God. Feel everyone is against me today. Caretake mom feelings, told her I don’t want anything my life is here. I need to change. I must be careful of what I say. It’s horrible. I’m so tired. Tired of holding on, tired of everything, god please help me.

I took care of birds today and I was so happy to get into the cage and help put up the nice stick and feed them and get out of there. I’m okay this will pass. I told Anoop, hey I got your refills and I didn’t touch them so it’s safe. I’m going to be okay. Feel very bad about mom, I just don’t know what to say or do anymore. We are both so fragile.

Oh my god pulled over by the cops

I just had such a horrid experience, I’m still shaken up by it. Pulled over by the fucking cops. I got onto Decarie on the middle lane. And saw the cop in the background. Then i turned on the middle lane and was going fast. And came to the lights and then i heard the beeps and i got scared pulled over to the right and stopped the bike and I fell down and it was scary. They told me what the hell was I doing in the middle of the road and then they said I’m a pedestrian and they said i shouldn’t be driving in the middle of the road, I’m a pedestrian. They asked for my id, and I gave them my license and they spent about 5 mins searching it and then they said they are giving me a warning and i should be careful. I told them that I will stay in the right lane and that when I come to a right turning lane, i will get off the road and Walk through the intersection. It was so fucking scary. 

2 way prayer

Dear dear dear sweet God, thank you for your help today and last night. I am so grateful to have more work , this wonderful new place , the blinds, and to have food in the fridge. Thank you god thank you. This too shall pass, the pain I feel with the stomach I don’t take it lightly god, I know it won’t go away till I see a doctor and I’m scared.it’s so very hard to get a blood test god, so very hard, 4 months without paying, what the heck happened to the Canadian health care system. I was so spoiled and took so much for granted all those years I could get treatment the same day when I was working the fancy corporate job.

God, I’m so scared I can’t cry, I can’t grieve I have so much anger, so much anger so much rage. I know behind the anger is the sadness and grief, please help me tap into the tears. Please help me with the bingeing , the sex addiction, the debating, and all the other ways I abandon myself and am self destructive. Im so very tired god, please please please help me God, I don’t feel like even trying sometimes.

 

Dearsest sweet sweet little boy. Help yourself little one, breath my love take deep breaths and let it go. Close your eyes and breath. I’m here for you, the universe that’s me. The self compassion group that’s me little one. Just be good to yourself my love, just be good to yourself little one. I love you so very much. You are worthy of love and respect. For yourself and others. Keep praying little one for the people you meet, for the people you love and for the people you have a problem with or the people that hurt you. I love you so very much.

I’ve been having good dreams, like intense dreams, yesterday I was dreaming about the new project and the estimate that I had to put forward and it was a bit scary, but I got praised by someone and that was nice, it was all related. I binged ate the peanuts and that was hard. I woke up feeling really off and lethargic , I couldn’t move. I watched a bit of James Bond no time to die and that was nice. I tried to focus on things, which I know is not necessary. And is my debting and I know this, I got on the call and was very irritable, I couldn’t share but I did announce myself and I was grateful for that. Here I am . Doing the very best I can. I’m having good sleep and I’m so happy I went out and got out and did the show. It was so immersive and I felt so good. Replied to my mom which I also really appreciated.

Not liking the weight gain but no desire to stop eating or even go to the gym, it’s all been so very hard with this depressive episode.

no words

I’m feeling so off today. Hang on, I’m just going to take my medication. No words to describe how I’m feeling, just kinda blah. I got coffee and a wrap and I talked to the Starbucks barista. I dressed up well today and I showered, baby steps to kinda force myself into positive thinking, I was tempted to call my mom but I realize that I’m adding stress to myself I was tempted to show off my bike but when I went the Starbucks was super crowded. What the fuck do I do. I want outside validation so much, I want to connect. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so shitty at times. So lonely. So needy. I go for the wrong people and I don’t feel validated. How do I give that to myself. So unloved.

Energy levels are so so . I went down to get some stuff, and now I have to take care of the stuff in the lounge. The boxes and finding space for it, so fucking annoying. cest la vie. Ive been charging my bike guiltily I need to find a solution for charging but I just don’t know where or how to. I can’t bring it up here. It’s frustrating. Deep breaths Krisen, one moment at a time, one step at a time, one action at a time. I feel so disconnected, so fucking out of it. So scared. Like I just don’t know how to feel free of worry. This too shall pass little one, this too shall pass.

topsy turvey

It’s been a while since I posted. Insane time. I moved out of my old apartment and moved into the new condo apartment. Its gorgeous and bright and spacious compared to my apartment. The loneliness is still there , I knew that wouldn’t change, but I’m not sleeping on the couch anymore, I have a bedroom now and I make an effort to sleep on the bed everyday. It’s been tough finding a tenant , I rented to an 18 year old server and I don’t know if she will pay the rent on time or at all or if she will cause trouble with boyfriends, I’m leaving it in HPs hands, it’s been really tough, I got through the first hurdle with the landlord accepting her. It took a personal conversation. I wish I wasn’t so scared of people and would communicated before hand, but I made some friends along the way, angels that have been helping me with he place. Madge and Irina, they were really helpful in keeping me sane and understanding the landlord and his wife. I felt really down and discouraged and lonely yesterday that everything was going to be permanent and life was just going to keep sucking. It was a sinking depressing feeling.

I also started a new medication and increased the dose. It’s an anti anxiety medication that surpasses hunger at night , so in theory with the binges but in reality I still have intense cravings, except now it’s less magnified with hunger. I’m eating off the regular FAA food plan and avoiding restricting which is good.

So that’s my update, love you all and especially love you Krisen, my inner child, my inner teen, my inner critical parent, and the loving parent to those inner family that I am and becoming.