no words

I’m feeling so off today. Hang on, I’m just going to take my medication. No words to describe how I’m feeling, just kinda blah. I got coffee and a wrap and I talked to the Starbucks barista. I dressed up well today and I showered, baby steps to kinda force myself into positive thinking, I was tempted to call my mom but I realize that I’m adding stress to myself I was tempted to show off my bike but when I went the Starbucks was super crowded. What the fuck do I do. I want outside validation so much, I want to connect. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so shitty at times. So lonely. So needy. I go for the wrong people and I don’t feel validated. How do I give that to myself. So unloved.

Energy levels are so so . I went down to get some stuff, and now I have to take care of the stuff in the lounge. The boxes and finding space for it, so fucking annoying. cest la vie. Ive been charging my bike guiltily I need to find a solution for charging but I just don’t know where or how to. I can’t bring it up here. It’s frustrating. Deep breaths Krisen, one moment at a time, one step at a time, one action at a time. I feel so disconnected, so fucking out of it. So scared. Like I just don’t know how to feel free of worry. This too shall pass little one, this too shall pass.

topsy turvey

It’s been a while since I posted. Insane time. I moved out of my old apartment and moved into the new condo apartment. Its gorgeous and bright and spacious compared to my apartment. The loneliness is still there , I knew that wouldn’t change, but I’m not sleeping on the couch anymore, I have a bedroom now and I make an effort to sleep on the bed everyday. It’s been tough finding a tenant , I rented to an 18 year old server and I don’t know if she will pay the rent on time or at all or if she will cause trouble with boyfriends, I’m leaving it in HPs hands, it’s been really tough, I got through the first hurdle with the landlord accepting her. It took a personal conversation. I wish I wasn’t so scared of people and would communicated before hand, but I made some friends along the way, angels that have been helping me with he place. Madge and Irina, they were really helpful in keeping me sane and understanding the landlord and his wife. I felt really down and discouraged and lonely yesterday that everything was going to be permanent and life was just going to keep sucking. It was a sinking depressing feeling.

I also started a new medication and increased the dose. It’s an anti anxiety medication that surpasses hunger at night , so in theory with the binges but in reality I still have intense cravings, except now it’s less magnified with hunger. I’m eating off the regular FAA food plan and avoiding restricting which is good.

So that’s my update, love you all and especially love you Krisen, my inner child, my inner teen, my inner critical parent, and the loving parent to those inner family that I am and becoming.

a birthday retreat.

I just had a lovely picture with isai rod and me. It was so nice. My smile is off but it’s okay I like the way I looked, I can’t believe I’m so focused on fat when I looked fine. The body obsession and dysmorphia I guess. It’s okay I survived it, I wished I didn’t crash last night with the junk food because I do feel so gross today and I spent the most of the day basically just resting. I’m glad I called Laurie, I was so worried about the Facebook posting and the threat of retaliation. I’m always so concerned about that.

Toronto was shocking, the homelessness, the mental health , the buzz about it, I’m glad that I left quickly, I’m grateful to god for the parking, the money in my green p parking and the money in the subway card, I’m grateful that I made the trip to see isai and to spend time at the office that was really nice.

It was so nice to work in an office setting and it was nice to see the rooms in the basement and take the pictures and to chat with Donya and show her my tatoo. And it was nice to face my fears and speak to Tiffany and it was funny to see everyone bolt around 5pm.

I’m also very grateful to stop at the motel and sleep in a proper bed and to get up and go the next morning and to show my face for the conference call. I was so happy with the clothes that isai got me.

So all in all, I felt so loved, from all the calls and messages I got. It was so beautiful, I made the effort to visit with Joe and Anoop and Antonio, to see the beaches, Scarborough, downtown proper, Yonge and bloor and bloor west village that was so much of fun.

god, it's so hard

Dear Dear sweet sweet god. Here I am my love. Thank you for the peace around food last night. Thank you for the sharing and I’m very very grateful to let go and let you in. I’m so happy that Uma responded, thank you god for the guidance. I felt so scared, I didn’t think she would respond. It causes me so much grief god, I don’t want to destroy whatever little relationships I have. It’s not okay to cut off, I just don’t want to do that any more. Dear god, struggling with spending and wanting more more more all the time. Please help me show me what I should do. It’s so hard god, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I feel like I’m missing out on the life that I’ve been blessed to receive. Please help me my love. I’m grateful for the water my eyes and my limbs. I just want to keep on the path. I want to take it easier and relax and have easier days god.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, I know and it’s going to be alright my love. I’ve missed you my love, it’s been a while. What to say my boy, we love you and were here for you. It’s okay to do good in the world my boy, soon there will be more good and less people stuck in disfunction and fear, it’s okay little one, just breath and know that you are so very loved my little one. It’s okay.

I feel so much unworthiness, fear, unlovable turning to porn, feeling so shit from doing the same actions over and over again, I don’t know if I’m getting better god, I just know it hurts so much and I’m so afraid of being in that pain. Please god show me the best way, show me love, show me spirit, show me something.

We weep boy, we see what goes on and we weep, keep reading keep writing, keep listening, keep seeing, keep feeling, keep playing, keep laughing, keep smiling, it’s all going to be okay my love, it’s all going to get better, we promise you, we love you little one, we love you so very much.

Typical attacks from the inner critic - from Pete Walker

Pete Walker and the trauma recovery gurus really helped me in my journey from acting out old defense patters from childhood and recognzing them in adulthood. here are some of the things I watch out for.  

[Perfectionism|attacks] 

1. perfectionism 

My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain support in my neglectful family. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved. 

2. All-or-none / black-and-white THInking 

I reject extreme or over-generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative event does not mean I am stuck in a never- ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me in “always” or “never” are rarely true. 

3. self-hate / Self-disgust / toxic shame 

I commit to loving myself. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I transfer back the shame and disgust to the person who is judging me for my normal emotions of anger, fear and sadness. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit. 

4. Micromanaging / Worrying / obsessing / over-futurizing

I will not micromanage others or myself. I work in a way that is “good enough”. I accept that sometimes, my efforts bring desired results, and sometimes they do not. . I will not try to control the uncontrollable.

    

[Perfectionism|attacks] 

5. devaluing comparisons to others or most perfect moments 

I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. Sometimes, reality is not as it seems. You only see what others want you to see. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad. 

6. guilt 

Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I feel guilty and afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”. If I end up hurting someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I will allow myself to be human. 

7. shoulding 

I will not put unreasonable demands and pressure on myself. I will focus on what I really want to do and what is important to me. 

8. over-productivity / busyholism / workaholism 

  

I am a human being not a human doing. I will choose not to be perpetually productive. I will balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform all the time. 

9. Harsh judgments of self & others / name-calling 

 

I will not let the bullies of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightly belong to my dysfunctional caretakers onto myself or current people in my life. 

[endangerment|attacks] 

10. drasticizing / catastrophizing / hypochondriasizing 

I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not in trouble with my parents anymore. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. I will not turn every ache into a story of me dying. I am safe and at peace. 

11. Negative focus 

I renounce over-noticing and dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities. I remember the many gifts and beauties of life. 

12. Time urgency 

I am not in danger. I do not need to hurry. I am learning to enjoy living at a relaxed pace. I slow down my breathing and relax my muscles. 

13. Disabling performance anxiety 

 

I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism. I will not ask myself to be perfect and allow myself to make mistakes. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions. 

14. Expecting an attack from others 

I will not project my past bullies onto others, unless
there are clear signs of danger. Most people are peaceful. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection against those who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support. 

AUTHOR: 

Pete Walker, from the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving 

loving myself a letter to God

Dear sweet sweet God, thank you for the laugh yesterday , it really helped me to just laugh out loud and from my belly. And thank you for frank not calling me that helped me too. God I need some help please please please help me get out of the isolation and depression and go towards life and socializing and loving what I have. Please give me the strength dear god to keep this place clean and less clutter god, I need to rent out this place and I’m worried about the floors, please please please help me God. I a so scared of my ability to work and my debating. I don’t know if I am on the path to destruction. Please God help me.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, we are so proud of you for cleaning the bathroom, it looks incredible and we are so very proud of you for turning to us and staying away from the junk. We love you little one, it’s so so nice to hear you laugh. You are doing so well, please keep being you keep finding the joy in little things. All is not lost little one. It makes us so so so happy and proud and tickles us pink when you laugh out loud. You’re welcome little one, we have your back, and we will only lead you to things that are in your best interest, growth things . Change little one, we will lead you to change that is in your best interest. We cry little one we hate seeing you in pain.

I feel so scared God, I feel rudderless and directionless and it’s so very scary. I want companionship God but I’m so very scared of it God. I don’t know whether real or not, will you please help me God.

It’s okay little one, its okay my sweet sweet boy, please breath little one breath out fear and despair and breath in light, love and joy little one. Just breath it in my love. Breath little one, its all going to be okay it’s coming little one.

feeliing like crap today

Dear God, I don’t know what to do today. I feel so frazzled. please guide me to the next right action. Today I just feel like lazing. I know that I have to get up and show up everyday like majority of the world does. Pay my spiritual penance or pay off my karmic debt. Is that what it is god. I don’t know. Please tell me how I should be because I feel pretty fucking wretched today. Okay I’ll go and buy the oatmeal god and the bananas and go from there.