My OA sponsor shared this quote with me

 I am a strong, confident, disciplined child of God. I am established today in the awareness that my body is the temple of the living God. All the functions of my body are harmonized, and every organ is doing its perfect work in a perfect way. I am receptive and responsible this day to the divine intelligence within me which knows the needs of my body temple. I will eat sensibly, exercise regularly, and rest sufficiently. I am free from hidden hungers that might lead to excess in eating or drinking. God's love deep within me satisfies my longing heart and fills my soul and body with all that they require to make my life full and complete. My appetite and assimilation of food are in divine order, and my body manifests the symmetry and perfection of God whose expression I am. I see myself in the mirror of Truth, beholding the perfect, ideal form and shape that I desire to express in my body. I see myself thin and healthy and satisfied. Today I will think thin!

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Encounter with a bully

Please God help me express the words with honesty and humility fromm my heart not my head.

I'm so afraid of people places and situations

I just came from the second ccup ccoffee shop. I went to the shop from across the street from where I parked. As soon as I parked the security guard was stalking me, I had my ipad and keyboard in hand and when I saw him I turned back towards him and walked to the tim hortons located in the plaza. I knew he was stalking me. Sat in the tim hortons but didnt like the ambience and then decided to walk out when the guys back was turned but he caught me and started following me. And I stopped and waited at the intersection and he pulled back and then I crossed the street and then he came after me. And told me that if I leave he would tow the car, I was pissed I told him that I'm just going to grab the ccoffee and come back and he said no. So I defiantly said tow the car. And I rushed into the second cup and I was scared of my car being towed and I was panicking and yelled out at them. Guy in front of me said he was in line and I told him I'll wait for him and then he let me go through he saw I was panicked.

Rushed back and guy just walked away from my car and said next time, he took down my plate maybe he's going to call the tow truck next time I'm there. I don't know. I'll talk to the IGA manager. And tell him about the situation..

I shared at ACA that I was defiant and then I was so scared. It really hleped me the sharing today and reading was gold. I love the after meeting of ACA it's such a nice intimate group. The guy that shared Dan is superb..said he's a dragon, not inside the box of the world and it's okay to be unique  and he's got spiritual flesh ‎which noone can see.

Off to the gym.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Despair

I took my medication today. Thank you god. Last night during my binge I felt so gross I felt so uncomfortable..so angry of having to work and hating calling customers. So very angry. Called Pallavi and we read big book and I shared I feel like shit absolute shit and it's where I'm at. I hate myself and I fucking hate others..people who have it together. Fuccck them. So angry, so tired.

Inner child isolation, learning to trust and get out there.

Adult learning to stop action, and listen and embrace spontaneity

Sugar drunk today. Feel diabetic eyes are so tired and itchy.

Fuck everyone. Made some good breakfast abstinent now. Rice and chicken and beans from swaraj so very grateful. Following FAA food plan. Joel olsteen helpful today. Giving of myself. Acting like a miracle for others. God gives strength as we give others our strength and love. Nice message. It works.

I don't know how the fuck I survived work. So angry and just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

So good to get a paycheck and cover the rent this month. Lovely.

2 days of rest thank you god

Scared about bank account dwindling on business side.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Despair

I took my medication today. Thank you god. Last night during my binge I felt so gross I felt so uncomfortable..so angry of having to work and hating calling customers. So very angry. Called Pallavi and we read big book and I shared I feel like shit absolute shit and it's where I'm at. I hate myself and I fucking hate others..people who have it together. Fuccck them. So angry, so tired.

Inner child isolation, learning to trust and get out there.

Adult learning to stop action, and listen and embrace spontaneity

Sugar drunk today. Feel diabetic eyes are so tired and itchy.

Fuck everyone. Made some good breakfast abstinent now. Rice and chicken and beans from swaraj so very grateful. Following FAA food plan. Joel olsteen helpful today. Giving of myself. Acting like a miracle for others. God gives strength as we give others our strength and love. Nice message. It works.

I don't know how the fuck I survived work. So angry and just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

So good to get a paycheck and cover the rent this month. Lovely.

2 days of rest thank you god

Scared about bank account dwindling on business side.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Check in

I really don't know what else to call this post. I missed work today. I felt the fog and then I talked with anthony and then frank and yanis so it's really was a shame filled and sometimes terrifying day for my inner. Grateful to connect with cirrus and setup a fact finding session with Ben on Monday morning. So there it is. I'm in montreal, all I want to do is have some part time love. I'm going thru grief and I feel terribly sad all the fucking time. I am not happy with my belly but I must trust that I'm eating the right portions and let go of everything else. God please help me get through this.

Here's a cool video I took of my training yesterday 

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

a journal entry from my ACA meeting.

I feel frustrated that I binged on peanuts last night. ..that I can't just sit with myself and enjoy my own company..that I can't do spontaneous things because I don't know what to do or I'm too tired to do anything other than numb out with food.  I feel like my inner child is playful and adventurous and wants to be loved but he is so sad and so lonely and doesn't know how to fill the void or express the sadness and despair sometimes.

My inner child feels completely betrayed by my inner parent . I don't want to always reach for food to break the loneliness but it's all I know how to do.  It is so very hard and draining 😔
I want to let out the tears of all the loss I felt..of my youth..of my dad passing away..my fractured family. I want to feel the unconditional love that my inner child deserved and rarely received.  I want to feel the stability of love and someone to have my back when I make a mistake or fall on my ass and helps me back up.  I wish I can stop abandoning my inner child through binge eating and adore and cherish him for the absolute beauty he is.

update

I've missed my updates. Im writing this on my new MacBook that has a French keyboard which is so bloody annoying but at the very least the keyboard works, after apple has fixed it. Its also a model up for me and I really appreciate that. I'm at the comfort in hotel, its been a really crazy couple days, I missed work yesterday and I binged on friday night because I came into the hotel and I binged again last night. I was told to find my own place because swaraj is worried about me. And I wasn't prepared for this, I feel used and neglected. I did some reading with Pallavi, she helped me see that this could be a blessing from my higher power because she was causing me a lot of stress. 

I'm leaving this place roughly at 2pm and then I'm going to go to swarajs place to pick up the rest of my stuff.