niagara falls. binge last night feeling low and shameful

Dear God, I’m struggling. I want to go home and feel comfortable with myself God. Why is this so hard. Please help me with the next right action. Please guide me dear God. Dear Sweet sweet Krisen, I am so so very proud of you little one. Keep taking those deep breaths little one, I’m sorry you’re so very cold and you got wet. You take amazing photos little one and I’m so very very proud of you. This is all working out perfectly little one. Please do not despair , you are doing the absolute best you can and I’m so proud of you. Im so proud of you for making it to your mom’s place and telling her what a beautiful place she has. We are so very very proud of you little one, i’m sorry for the setback. Please do put it away in her car little one. It’s okay to do so. You will feel safe and happy knowing that all the junk is out of reach. You don’t have anything to worry about little one. You are fine just as you are. Their is recovery in your path. You have been so very helpful and dedicated to the path of recovery. Keep sharing your truth and hope little one and come to me. Keep coming to me my love. All will be well. I’m so happy you made it safe after the long drive and I’m so happy you are warming your mom’s place. Keep doing it little one. All is well. I promise you that all will be well sweet Krisen. Look at that gorgeous sun and view of the falls.

Dear sweet sweet Krisen. I am so very glad that you are putting yourself first little one. So very happy, keep it up my dear one. You are loved beyond belief. Just keep it up. Be safe. Be strong stay blessed.

Every interaction is so hard we get it little one. Just head back. You don’t have to worry about anything little one. Just head back. You are loved beyond belief.

It’s okay to love yourself little one, to be proud of yourself and be a good person. Please do not fear your light and joy. I’m so very proud of you little one.

Dear Krees , kreeps and little k, I want you to know that I’m committed to you and I’m not going to have any pretences. I love you all exactly as you are. I am so very sorry that you are suffering. And have been suffering. thank you guys for creativity, your playfulness, your joy, your adventure, your protection of each other while I was not present. For being smart, for having intuition about people who are not safe. Who are stuck in their own drama. Thank you for guiding me to what is the right path for us. Thank you for shedding tears, for connection to a higher power, for love and showing me how to love, for empathy and caring for those who are on hard times. Thank you for showing me the light and leading me to it always. Thank you kreeps for protecting us, for wanting to always look out for danger and trying to get us to minimize pain, we truly appreciate and value you. Krees I’m so sorry for all the repression and pain that I have caused you and the world has caused you. I promise you that I have my eyes open, most of the time and I welcome all your feelings, even rage despair and and sadness and desire and everything. I welcome them all, that’s what makes the human experience and I’m so very sad that you have been repressed all this while. It’s going to be okay, I promise you. Lil K, you are just so sweet and adorable and full of love joy and promise and I love how you are. Thank you all.

2 way prayer before trip to hamilton and on the binge eating and depression

Sweet god, so much struggles getting abstinent. Using so much food to number out , no energy or motivation to do anything except waking up in time for this meeting what should I do God. Im so very scared of life. I hold onto habits, gaming, books, podcasts, YouTube, because I’m so afraid to go out in the world and make connections. I tried yesterday but came home in a heartbeat when given an excuse. Please help me god break free from this prison. relying on only 1 or two WhatsApp conversations is just not working and meeting my needs. So lonely, starved for connection. I seem to want intimate relationships and avoiding calling others in program for general connection. It’s so frustrating god, why? Please help me with my trip to Hamilton today. Very important that it goes well today on the trip god, 7 hours of driving is a lot. I am so scared of the food and junk at my mom’s place. Give me the strength please god to put it in a safe place. 

Well done little one on the breath work just now, and coming to me. Well done little one, it’s going to be okay my sweet. It’s going to be okay. We will not let you down , not ever little one. All will be well. The break will be good for you and will allow you to recharge at your mom’s place alone. You always felt safe there. Do not despair little one, call your friends, keep connecting and work your step one 2 and 3 little one. Let go of fear and resentments and grudges and recognize how very short life is. like the just for today reading, it’s okay to supress my knowledge and not know why act as is little one, it’s worked before. With regards to the food act as if little one, we don’t want to see you suffer, lets end it. Move on with life and please don’t despair, war happens , human cruelty happens , read your book on over empathy , it will help learn how to live in the world.

2 way prayer today - binging and anxiety.

Dear God, I’m so tired of binging and numbing out with food. I truly am powerless, I don’t know why I just can’t take the medicine. Please help me God, I’m stuck in self centerdness and jumping to conclusions in my personal relationships. Please do help me God.

Dear sweet Sweet Krisen, it’s going to be okay little one, it’s going to be okay. Those deep breaths really helped. Keep doing it to help with the anxiety little one. We are so proud of you, everything you face is so very hard right now, we understand little one, we understand. Keep working those steps little one. I know sometimes you don’t want to and are tired of putting in the effort, we understand little one. Back of them but don’t let go of step 1 little one and keep coming to us, we love you so very much we don’t want to see you suffer. You mother replied to you, everyone replied to you, you are truly loved more than you know little one. It’s been so hard I know I know. It’s been so very hard to trust love little one. It’s all around you little one, try to let it in and accept. I love you little one, everything is going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.

2 way prayer from this morning

Dearest God, HP, G to the D. I feel awful, the peanuts binge taking a toll on my body. Please please help me God. I can’t stop. Please give me the strength and willingness to stop. I can’t right now imagine life without sitting on the couch and numbing out to junk food. I’ve been doing this since I was 13. I’m scared of ballooning in weight and I hate the weight gain God. And I hate how tight my clothes feel . Please help me dear God.

Dear Sweet sweet precious child. ujai breath remember dear one, 4x4x6. There doesn’t that feel better. Sweet Krisen, it’s okay little one, keep connecting and looking for other ways to soothe and nuture your soul little one release the anxious energy its okay my love, we are truly sorry that you are feeling the way you do. Please keep coming to me, all will be well little one, just keep coming to me my love. Loneliness, sexuality, life without a family is tearing you apart. We understand little one, we know hang in there, this is going to get better little one, everyone goes through this, do not let despair in, let it pass through and we will take care of the rest. There is hope little one, hope and light on the other side, you are closer to it than you think.Congrats on making amends to your sister and brother-in-law we are so proud of you little one. So very proud. Lots of love, God.

2 way prayer

Dear sweet sweet god, so tired god so tired of the day in and day out of sleeping on the couch and reaching for food, please give me the willingness god to stop the behaviour, I truly get dark and sometimes suicidal ideation when I’m binging and it’s like theirs no hope dear god. I want to have a better life free from food addiction God, I’m so tired, help me reach out to the right people please God, I’m so very very tired.

Dear Dear Dear sweet sweet boy, it’s okay little one, it’s okay. Breathe in light and my spirit and let out the failures, frustrations, anger, hopelessness and despair little one. Let it out, this world is tough we know, it’s going to be okay little one, its going to be okay. How can I support you today my love. How can I support you today little one.

God, I have a very long day of a bus ride and driving back, will you please help me god, I just don’t know how I’m going to do this. I am also afraid of the food God, I am frustrated and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by accepting this job God. Please help me God.

Ahh my sweet child, you did your best, you helped Rodney and he wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t difficult. It’s okay my sweet sweet child, it’s okay little one. It’s going to be okay. Take your comforter and pillow and your headphones and laptop and book and it will be okay. Make it an adventure little one. As for the food, keep turning to me and your fellows little one, its’ okay to trust Jacqueline and Marco and marla, these people are on your side little one and they have been there. Open up to them little one. It’s going to be okay. We will be with you.

a good reading from For Today ACA

 This highlighted passage really stood out to me. I feel like if I open the taps of the tears I won't be able to stop. 

Finding Value in the Past

"Through recovery, we realize our childhood experiences have great spiritual value. We recognize that we can help ourselves and others." BRB p. 334

In ACA, our journey back to the trauma of our childhoods does not come without pain. For some of us, the intensity of the feelings may be greater now than they were then because we were not allowed to feel or show our feelings as children. As adults, until we started this journey, most of us did not let ourselves feel the powerlessness and vulnerability that is necessary to heal our woundedness.

At the start of recovery, if someone had said that one day we would look at our childhood experiences as having value, many of us might have had great doubt that would occur. Some of us avoided this journey because we thought that if we ever started to cry, we wouldn't be able to stop. But with faith in our Higher Power and the strength of our fellow travelers, we became willing.

The guidance of the Steps and the support of other ACAs helped us release the pain of our past. The sharing of our experiences helped us see spiritual value in what we were finding, not only for ourselves, but because of the hope we offered to other recovering adult children.

On this day I know that being willing to share my journey helps me first and foremost, but it also helps others understand that this journey is spiritual. I am now able to reconcile my past and live in serenity.

I don’t know where to begin. Fat bloated, irritated, hungover. Trying my best to stay with God. Feel everyone is against me today. Caretake mom feelings, told her I don’t want anything my life is here. I need to change. I must be careful of what I say. It’s horrible. I’m so tired. Tired of holding on, tired of everything, god please help me.

I took care of birds today and I was so happy to get into the cage and help put up the nice stick and feed them and get out of there. I’m okay this will pass. I told Anoop, hey I got your refills and I didn’t touch them so it’s safe. I’m going to be okay. Feel very bad about mom, I just don’t know what to say or do anymore. We are both so fragile.