Step 4 Questions
This is not a process of self-condemnation or an opportunity to wallow in self pity. We need to write down those things that we thought we would never tell another person. We want to write down thoughts and feelings which cause us the pain of guilt, shame, remorse, self pity, feelings of getting even and the grudges we have against people, institutions, and principles. As we begin our work on Step Four, if we find ourselves having a hard time, there are a few things we can do to continue this process. We can return to the Third Step and renew our surrender to God, remembering we are safe and protected by our faith. There is nothing in our past that is too bad for God to accept. If our perfectionism takes over and we must get everything perfect before we proceed, we can instead try writing for one or two minutes a day. We don’t have to complete Step Four in one sitting; the important thing is that we attempt something each day. Even if we just sit with our pencil in hand looking at the paper, we can expect that God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. By doing an in-depth self analysis, for the first time we will see ourselves as we really are and not as we thought we were. The purpose of this inventory is to find those character defects and personality flaws we need to get rid of (or learn to live with) and try to improve upon them. As we have gone through various stages of sexual growth, being influenced by how we learned about sex, including our religious teachings about sex, we became confused. There are many of us who carry guilt feelings or self pity over sexual incidents in our past. Some of us have found it helpful to look at the Fourth Step as a search. The perspective of searching and exploring helps dispel the fear of the unknown. We must practice self-forgiveness and be aware of our tendency to be self-abusive. It is important not to allow our personal inventory to perpetuate our self-destructive tendencies. Go through your life as early as you can remember, and write about the memories or incidents that come to mind. Trust that this Higher Power you have come to know will be there to help and guide you and that these memories are in your consciousness for a reason. Search for the feelings and unresolved situations that haunt you, that may cause you shame or resentment. Most of us have found it necessary to actually write down these situations. This is part of the healing process—to take the whirling thoughts out of our head and put them in black and white, to be looked at objectively. Taking the power out of our negative experiences gives us space inside to enhance our positive qualities and memories. It is all right to feel the feelings again, to release them by sharing them with a trusted friend during your writing process. The feelings didn’t kill us the first time and just knowing we are not alone now will help dispel our fear. This procedure will bring insight to why we are the way we are. The ability to recognize self-destructive behaviors provides new understanding and compassion towards ourselves. We unavoidably make mistakes. The courage and willingness to look at these mistakes gives us the ability to see beyond the negative and know our positive attributes. Survival skills developed at an early age saved our lives, but now these skills have become distorted. Even positive qualities can become so distorted that they contribute to our dysfunction. Many of us have found it helpful to take each area of our life and write the facts as we perceive them. Ask yourself if one of the seven deadly sins is a motivating factor in your behavior. Often we can find distortions in several directions
Anger/Resentment Have I been carrying a chip on my shoulder throughout life, forever feeling mistreated and victimized, stuffing my feelings to spare another’s, or being afraid of what someone may feel if I express myself, causing me to explode sometime later, perhaps at an inappropriate time? Knowing I’m the one who gets hurt by carrying resentment helps me be willing to let it go. One of the main ingredients in unresolved anger and resentment is grief and sadness. Allowing myself to feel the sadness and cry the tears of having been victimized by this disease and the results to my life, will help free me from the need to repress my anger with food.
False Pride/Ego Low self esteem, never feeling that I am or have enough, needing to feel better than or less than others, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be the real me. Putting walls up to keep people out, not knowing how to take them down and how to be a friend.
Dishonesty Blaming, wearing my masks and acting as if I’m okay while dying inside, failing myself.
Greed/Gluttony Never enough. The constant feeling of emptiness. Am I ever good enough? Is anything ever enough? What will it take to fill me? When nothing is enough and anything is too much.
Lust The sexual motives beneath my actions and manipulations. Looking for all my intimacy needs to be filled through my sexuality, and making a sexual object out of everyone causes me to not be able to have friends. On the other hand, some of us condemn ourselves for having any sexual feelings at all.
Envy/Jealousy Do I begrudge others their good fortune or feel superior that I am more fortunate? Why do I need to compare myself with others to feel good enough? “If only I had that magic thing, THEN...my life would be OK.”
Sloth/Laziness Have I really done my fair share? At work? In my recovery? In my relationships? Or am I content to perform with mediocrity and sit back, complaining that life isn’t fair? Fear of sloth may cause me to be over zealous. The weight of overextended responsibility may be the only way I can feel valuable and worthwhile. Do I know where to stop before my drive turns into self-abuse? Am I aware of how to be self-caring?
Listed below are eight areas of our lives to help with the search in writing our inventory:
1. Family Life
2. Social Life
3. Sex Life
4. Education Life
5. Religious Life
6. Work/Professional Life
7. Health and Welfare
8. Financial Life
We need to look at each domain of our life and how we have used food to manage our emotions. Some of us have found it helpful to approach our inventory from three perspectives: childhood, adolescence and adulthood. During this process it will be necessary to have support from those people who love and nurture us unconditionally. We will need to remember we aren’t bad and that God didn’t bring us this far to let go of us now. We will need to follow our food program guidelines, attend meetings and share our pain.
A solid foundation based on the first Three Steps is a must in order to allow us to examine our souls. Perhaps we will need professional help in order to continue this healing process. We encourage each one to be gentle with your spirit at this time.
Step 3 Questions
What is my history of a relationship with a Higher Power?
Not much of a connection in childhood. I went to hindu temple and did rituals but I never felt the presence of a god. Lots of despair, binge eating, broke and faced with a year of eviction notices, I cried out to a higher power for help, then had the intuition to call a friend to ask for help and she gave me a job i was ready to leave the country and go back to South Africa. Realized same sex attraction then went to a MCC LGTQ church in toronto, felt the peace there. Somewhat rejected religions when mom and sisters converted to christianity. They used religion to shame me for my queerness. So now I just refer to God as Love and strength and guidance for my best outcome aligned with what’s best for society/planet.
What are the extent of my fears, doubts, anxieties, hopes and faith about trusting a Higher Power?
That my HP would let me down, abandon me. I fear My HP wants me to be poor and serve like a vow of poverty because it affects me so much to see homelessness and suffering.
How motivated am I spiritually?What can I do to increase my spirituality if I think or feel I need to do this?
I am up and down on motivation. It’s just exhausting. I feel like being a good person with good values and making the effort is a choice and doesn’t have to be tied to spirituality. Acting out of love instead of fear and hate can be a choice.
What priority do I give God in my personal life? Do I want to change this priority at all?
I ask for strength and guidance from my Higher Power everyday. I thank my Higher power for the strength and guidance I receive every day.
If we are tired of the guilt we feel and fed up with where we are in life (relationships, jobs, education) and our self-will got us to here,maybe we need new management. Can I trust God as I understand God? Can I sincerely ask that God’s will, not mine, be done?
God and my will be one, now lets go and have some fun, somebody said.
Step 2 Questions and Answers
When I have been on a diet and even managed to stick with it long
enough to lose weight, what has my behavior been like toward my
family and friends? Describe this in detail.
It was very rigid, strict, controlling. I would be irritable at times. It’s hard seeing my anorexic lookign body in old pictures and me thinking that was normal. So much of my brain focused on restricting food.
When I have avoided eating—even though I was empty or hungry—
in order to gain some control, what were the results?
I would binge on next meal. Sometimes have a double sized meal. I wouldn’t be able to stop eating.
When I think about the definition of insanity—practicing the same
behavior over and over again, expecting different results—how does
this relate to my love affair with food?
Treat this like a diet, i can stop when i want to . false. Same food behaviours which are the triggers to want to binge eat. Like lying on the couch in front of the TV.
Does the “committee” in my head convince me “it won’t hurt me this
time” or some other “insane” rationalization?
Yes, i keep thinking that the food bingeing would give me the most comfort. And i can’t think of anything else that would give me emotions confort. I always feel worse because of the physical emotional affects after the binge.
How many of my life traditions are centered around food instead of the
closeness of my loved ones? In what ways and how often do I feed my
heart through my mouth?
It has always been lets meet over a meal but now i try to meet for a tea/coffee instead. I don’t eat out much. Before it used to be about eating and a drink in my younger more social days.
When I think about a power greater than..., what comes to mind?
Food? God? Other people?
Universal love, the fellowship, those that have come before me in recovery. Anything that moves me singing, hearing pipe organs in the MCC metropolitan church.
What are my beliefs about the need to be totally self-sufficient and
Independent?
It helped me survive from my difunctional family but it prevents me from recovering in 12 step groups because i’m not able to ask for help.
How do I think I can change my relationship with food without any
Help?
I cant, i know i need help, left to my own devices, i will ALWAYS reach for food to soothe even if it’s killing me because that’s what my brian tells me to do. And once i make up my mind, i can’t be stopped by my own will.
When I look for gratification or fulfillment in my life, where do I find
It?
Most of the time, food and TV, gaming. I picked up ice skating, gym and want to spend more time with others but it’s really hard to reach out and commit , or i break commitments, especially when i’m in the food.
How honest am I about who I am? Do I present myself as I really am or
am I wearing a mask and presenting myself as something or someone
different from what I am? What do I think would happen if I revealed
the real me?
Maybe mask I can’t express my deep emotions or despair to others because i don’t know who can hold space for that, so i feel very isolated most times. I wear mask for work to keep it professional, but i can show my personality.
Am I using my talent to the fullest potential?
Sometimes however, i am not stable, stable mood, stable energy, stable work.
What do I think my strongest assets are?
I don’t know, it’s hard, i think i’m a warm authentic person, it comes out when i share and lead meetings. I like to help others but i keep a barrier so they don’t get too close. I am willing to do the work. I can forgive. I’m good at solving IT problems. I’m a good listener when i’m in a good emotional space.
What would my financial condition be like if I didn't binge or starve or
need diets, doctors or treatment centers? How could that money be
better utilized?
More stable work income , live within my means and money saved on binge foods ( uber eats etc).
While eating addictive substances, what was my emotional state?
(Example: fighting with people around me and being angry inappropriately;
feeling depressed; hiding out; doing less than an adequate job at
work or home because of food obsessions; caring less for others and for
myself because food came first in every facet of my life.)
Very unstable emotionally. Relapse in Sugar and fats, makes me irritable and tired (physically and mentally food fog) . not clean place, keep slipping , mised my nieces birthday because i was in my own fog. Life is small, nothing more exciting than eating my meal or a binge food/numb out session in front of couch.
When I experience cravings for a particular type of food can I relate to
the following?
(a) When I am craving hard, crunchy foods instead of expressing
anger or dissatisfaction; afraid to say “No.”
This is what I experience most often, i have a big well of anger/sadness and i go to crunch a lot. I try my best to let it out and sometimes the tears come when i watch a sad movie for example.
(b) When I am craving soft, squishy foods instead of risking
vulnerability by asking to be held and nurtured, or not allowing
myself to express grief and sadness.
Sometimes, i don’t know i usualy crave crunch or sweet.
(c) Craving sweet foods because I need to be loved, and either can’t
ask for my needs to be met, or live in intolerable situations where
my heart is being hurt.
Yeah, this is what i order on uber eats, a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips.
One of the ways we heal our disease is by eating three weighed and
measured meals a day, being sure to rotate our foods. We can stop
ourselves from the insanity of eating too fast, not even chewing our
foods so they can be digested, with some new habits. Surveying the
meal being served with grateful eyes and offering a prayer of gratitude
will help to change our pattern of destructive eating. This will help
put food into a spiritual perspective and give
Step 1 question and Answers.
1. How have I experienced the phenomenon of craving food in my life
coffee, wanting more. Sugar having a cheesecake in the fridge , trying to go to bed and it calling me. Ritual of sitting on the couch watching a show and needing chips or popcorn to keep me company. Soothe with ice cream chips, can’t have anyting in the house it calls to me. Craving for salt, fat sugar, can’t stand it especially when feeling lonely or anxious or depressed, it drives me insane to get uber eats, or go to grocery store across the street and pick up. Also cravings when I am happy want food to celebrate also. Like a beer on a hot day or going to a patio and drinking and having chicken wings or other pub fare. Changes in my moods can cause cravings. Mostly sitting on the couch at night and watching tv causes me cravings.
May 27, 2024 last night i binged on a box of sugar granola and a box of peanuts. Slept on the couch and mindless binge. Feel powerless and gross and tired of the aftereffects. I just can’t substitute this behaviour.
2. What brings me to this program?
Desperation, loneliness, tired of wanting to die and keep moving backwards in life, isolated with binging or depression because I can’t do the basic things like keep my place clean or hold a steady job. I want to come alive, joy in my eyes and spirit. Recently i was diagnosed as being pre diabetic and it shocked me . I haven’t had any sugar in about a month since that time. Food addiction makes me have a very small life.
Nowhere else to go, i can’t afford treatment programs and I really must view this as total and complete powerlessness. The people are super supportive. And i had 45 days of abstinence and I really enjoyed the results spiritually mentally, emotionally.
3. Is this just another diet and another attempt to control the outer symptom of this disease, which is my weight?
No, diets are self will and it’s depravation and it doesn’t give me a program to transform , connection with a HP by asking for help to follow the program, talking to fellows , reaching out. Stay within food plan. Make amends ask HP to transform my defects into assets, and keep going keep going process of continuous change as life moves on. I have so much going on inside, so much anger, resentment pain inside, turn to food, gaming, sleeping, porn, shopping, so much distraction, running away, busyness, turn to food to numb out the feelings and other behaviours to get a release. Just want to trust in another Power to help me.
4. Did I soothe my family with food so I could eat too?
Yeah, my nephews when they used to come over I would buy them a ton of junk food and go to sleep. I didn’t do activities with them , it usually was because I didn’t have energy cause I binged the night before. I wish I could get those times back. I would have done more interesting things with them. And I possibly contributed to one of them being a food addict.
How much of my time is filled with thinking about what, where, when
and how much I can eat, with a dialogue about counting calories
or...will I gain or lose weight... going on in my head?
I had a bullimic phase where i was doing a lot of that, calorie counting etc and restricting and over exercising but i’m not doing that anyway. I think it was when i came into FAA, i was already tired of the cycle and the amount of time the disease was occupying my brain. The food gets very loud at night, i can’t deal with the nights and my binge behaviours of watching tv and numbing out to chips popcorn is hard to resist.
Eating addictive foods causes emotional stress as well as physical stress.
What have my behaviors been to try to alleviate stress?
Sometimes I’ll have an extra apple if I feel overwhelmed. I want to crunch on something. Mostly at night dealing with bordeom/loneliness, worry about the future, i’ll engage in the behaviour of lying on couch, putting on a show and the food as my companion. If it’s really bad, it’s the anxiety and ordering ubereats in a binge to numb out.
Do I exercise with the goal of “burning calories”, damaging my body
in the process?
I used to be an exercise bulimic. A lot of purging when i was working at my corporate Job, not so much now.
Do I eat refined, processed foods and find myself unable to remember
well or function effectively in my daily life?
No but during the last few binges i would eat chips and a bag of chocolate coconut granola and a pint of hagen daas ice cream. That was last week Saturday. The chips and the ice cream. The binges are bad, its like pressing the F It red button and not caring about the outcome.
Do I starve myself looking for something...anything...to control?
Examples of unmanageability in my life:
Sometimes i’ll use decaf coffee to tide me to the next meal or when I don’t feel like eating at that time. These are old behaviours i dont restrict anymore.
How often have I been unable to carry out my plans because of feeling
sick from bingeing or starving?
Very often, last friday i had to move my meetings to monday because of the binge the night before. Very hard to work or be present after a binge, feel sick and just want
