hypnotherapy and Despair in South Africa

Last Summer (May 2018) I was dealing with a lot of depression and just really aimless after being diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and depression. I was staying in my sisters and bro in laws house and I was really struglling to get back on my feet. Things were not going well, i couldn’t work in corporate again after trying and failing after only 3 days AND i had a leg issue that was preventing me from walking without chronic pain. My sisters got together and sent me to South Africa for treatment, it was very kind of them. I was dealing with some resentment because they didn’t really try to understand what was going on with me and they kind of hid from what i was going through but I did appreciate them taking me in and I did appreciate the help they gave me by incurring the costs and my younger sister orgazning the trip.
I met with John Dutton a guy who founded the Hypnosis academy and spent a very productive 10 days with him and lived by the beach in a resort. My sisters went all out on this and i was grateful. I was also extremely lonely and i was vulnerable. Over the 10 days with John, i got 5 sessions recorded that I can play back and this amazing summary below: which I was not able to appreciate until now (Nov 2019)..when my life really did turn around and change for the better.

Page 1 of the report

Page 2 of the report

I haven’t shared this with too many people but prior to visiting John, i stopped off at one of the most beautiful drives that I’ve seen on the planet: Chapman’s Peak in Cape Town. It was here that I thought for a few seconds of killing myself by jumping down. I was on a rock ledge and I thought okay it would be painless because i would die on impact. But two things saved me…I heard voices in an adjacent rock and I immediately thought of my mom. And how heartbroken she would be and I couldnt’ do that to her. here are the pics from that time..

This is what a suicidal person and depressive looks like.

This was the ledge i was crawling off when i took this picture.

I hope to use my experience about mental illness and hopefully help others. I know what it;s like to feel despair and when I came back i was in the height of my food addiction and diagnosed with major depressive disorder and was one of the worst time in my life since 1998-1999. I will tell that story in another day.

slow day

Ive struggled today. I was up for quite a bit in the middle of the night. Today I feel awful because I commented on D’s mom’s death and he just stopped texting me all together. I apologized and still no word. There’s a lot of loss i’m experiencing now. First with A and soon to be the safety of my mom’s space. I’m also plagued by fear about how i’m going to handle the impending grief and letting the tap of tears flow. P said that I’ve been so good at putting my finger in the dyke that I will be able to turn off the tap when it feels overwhelming. I have been ruminating alot over A and causing myself some pain. I don’t know if it’s healthy. I’ve been able to keep “busy” by doing errands, going to the gym, etc. and I’ve been able to talk to some friends thank God. it’s been really fucking hard though. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the elephant i bought is actually from South AFrica, which is quite a surprise, and it’s a protections stone and opens me to love. I don’t know I just think i’ts such a cute fucking elephant.

I’ve listened to a lot of Codependency no more, it’s amazing, it’s what i needed in my moment of pain. I told A once that “I secretly hope you break my heart so that I can cry” I think i got what i asked for. :p

grateful that I made a little kid smile by waving at her, that I had such an awesome visit playing with Al. and Sa. yesterday and chatting with A’s old tenant, the immigration laywer. That I reached out and asked Erez for help today. That i’ve been abstinent today and the food has been quiet. That I got a call from Mi. who shared her good news with me. and I did not know that she was in the olympics.

I had an intense conversation with mom today. it started off by me telling my mom about the pain of seeing her cry at the TV and the shock of seeing my dad get married. Mom told me that V was the one who first discovered the tape and was balling her eyes out at 9 years old. My heart bleeds for her, that is just awful. I thought i was the only one who suffered but it’s equal opportunity damage. The conversation got intense when I told my mom that she doesn’t see her side of the street in broken relationships. And she said i’ve been doing twenty years of therapy and what has that got me. I calmly explained that I’ve got a long way to go but i’ve been dealing with the trauma of my childhood and that i’ts helped me repair some relationships with my old university friends like Al. and Ha. I asked my mom that imagine she met someone on the street who had all the trauma that my mom had, what would my mom feel about that. Wouldn’t she ask the person to get some help to deal with the trauma. My mom replied that she spent the last 30 years healing. At that point i just changed the subject.

I’ve got the green light to go to montreal in January. I’m relieved and scared. I’m not sure if i’m going to get the chance to be alone or if Sw. will be there. TBC

my thoughts re: A.

it’s been 4 days since I last contacted her. it’s getting easy an it’s getting harder. not the same waves of grief I felt before, i guess because everything that needed to be said has been said, and I feel some hurt and resentment.

Here’s What i didn’t like about her:

1. i couldn’t chat on the phone with her..not her fault but It sucked because i like to talk on the phone.
2. her desire to have a kid to help with recovery, that’s ass backwards thinking..good for her maybe but definitely not good for the kid.
3. her self centeredness. I would say something and then it wasn’t about me, it was about her. I really couldn’t figure her out until i started to feel like holy fuck my needs are not getting met.
4. the threat of “if you leave me”, i will be heatbroken etc…emotionall blackmail.
5. her childishness, not over emails but more over texting, i guess who she was when she let down her guard.
6. her sense of entitlment, and blaming her behaviours solely on her ED and not taking responsiblity for her actions
7. rejecting me, maybe not without merit but it still sucks monkey balls
8. telling me she loved and adored me and to find out it was just as a friend…what the fuck!!!
9. how she baited me by taking my number from the phone list and then texting me..like did i even have a chance given my state of neediness.
10. when i asked her to tell me a joke it was so bloody childish that It didn’t even make me smile. when I asked a guy my age to tell me a joke, he sent me one and I howled.
11. not understanding her white priviledge.. like if that happend to a black person she would be in prison for many years..this is not about A, it’s more about the ignorance of people in general and more my frustrations about the state of the world in general.
12. Taking me for granted when i sent her stuff and her NEVER sending me anything in return, except for her ED writing…which was really really good, see what i liked about her.
13. not beoing able to differentiate that stealing is stealing, whether its a block of cheese or an iphone, it’s the same fucking thing.
14. How could I possibly trust her, when she lied to me, mabye it’s because of her anxiety and not wanting to meet me etc..but still.
15. that I wanted her to stop her bullimia and i was powerless to help her stop. This is on me.
16. Every now and then she would rage on me..and I was really irritated by her self pity.

Here’s what i liked about her:

1. Such a sweet senstive and beautiful heart
2. took an active interest in my life and shared my pain with me and loved me anyway.
3. Didn’t want to lead me on or hurt me, i appreciated that.
4. helped me and supported me and wanted me to grow except for times when she made comments that sounded jealous, “ like when I told her i cold turkey quit coffee..she said “I’m one of those guys that goes all in” it wasn’t that supportive.
5. so fucking gorgeous - illusion because it was maitained by purging.

I am very grateful that in this short but intense relationship , I was able to ask for my Needs . I was able to write letters when I sensed her withdrawal and I was able to talk to my therapist and take the pain rather than not live in reality and find out the truth about how she truly felt about me.

Grateful day

Glorious swim

Nice chat with my new happy friend Gustavo

‎Chats with luanne,nick and Terry my sponsor

Nice nap

Holding my self and keeping safe with mom fight

Gym and oa meeting

Steam code Work at starbucks

‎Finding a great pair of shoes

Nice warm chat with Aivar

Hugs from ladies in program

Playing with the money teddy bear

Great meals today..so blessed to eat like a king

Great friend in Roy

Sharing at the OA phone meeting. 

Checking out value village and winners

Nice visit with the Fido peeps!

Withdrawal

A. Told me that when she said she loved me it was as a friend. And then tried to soften the message. I feel so hurt and angry and rejected. And now I realize I did the same when I told someone that I loved them just to get them in bed. We had a talk after that..she told me don't be careless when using the word love.it stuck with me and I made an assumption with A. that love meant being in love. I feel gutted about that. It's triggering of past betrayals and hurts.

I feel sadness more than anger and I feel exhaustion.. I don't know what I feel about A. anymore..just feel so fucking used. 

I've given up on love with a woman...fuck that! Maybe I'm destined to be with a guy..my mom says it's the same no matter guy or woman..i don't know the most compatible I felt was with my guy friend P.we got each other and ‎he said he ended up getting a woman like me. Maybe so..I hate fucking comparisons. So there it is..another emotionally charged mindfuck. Similar to the lady from MUFG...arggghh.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Pining in my heart

A. Thank you for the love you gave me, the tender words and oh how beautifully you write. I admire you and miss hearing the sound of your beautiful voice. I miss your jokes and the way you expressed yourself when you were angry and frustrated. I miss our "fuck the world" sessions and oh how I miss seeing your beautiful face. I only wish you could see what I see, your beauty and your tender heart. I wish all those beautiful encouraging words you told me, that u could say those words to yourself and believe it. I regret not being there for you and just hugging you and telling you that everything is okay. I wish I could have gone at your pace and somehow suppressed my needs and sexual desires. I'm sorry I couldn't do that.

Loving you now and I want you to have peace and joy in your life. It's time to end the pain and suffering.

So so so hard

A I yearn for you,  I pine for you. I want to rub my hands through your beautiful curly hair and hold my cheek tenderly next to yours like we did the first time we had lunch together. How can such a sweet loving woman come into my life and touch my heart just through one meet and a couple hugs. I would give anything to be with you, to hug you, to caress you and lie in bed with you gently kissing and cuddling you. I wish there was a way......