Grateful day

Glorious swim

Nice chat with my new happy friend Gustavo

‎Chats with luanne,nick and Terry my sponsor

Nice nap

Holding my self and keeping safe with mom fight

Gym and oa meeting

Steam code Work at starbucks

‎Finding a great pair of shoes

Nice warm chat with Aivar

Hugs from ladies in program

Playing with the money teddy bear

Great meals today..so blessed to eat like a king

Great friend in Roy

Sharing at the OA phone meeting. 

Checking out value village and winners

Nice visit with the Fido peeps!

Withdrawal

A. Told me that when she said she loved me it was as a friend. And then tried to soften the message. I feel so hurt and angry and rejected. And now I realize I did the same when I told someone that I loved them just to get them in bed. We had a talk after that..she told me don't be careless when using the word love.it stuck with me and I made an assumption with A. that love meant being in love. I feel gutted about that. It's triggering of past betrayals and hurts.

I feel sadness more than anger and I feel exhaustion.. I don't know what I feel about A. anymore..just feel so fucking used. 

I've given up on love with a woman...fuck that! Maybe I'm destined to be with a guy..my mom says it's the same no matter guy or woman..i don't know the most compatible I felt was with my guy friend P.we got each other and ‎he said he ended up getting a woman like me. Maybe so..I hate fucking comparisons. So there it is..another emotionally charged mindfuck. Similar to the lady from MUFG...arggghh.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Pining in my heart

A. Thank you for the love you gave me, the tender words and oh how beautifully you write. I admire you and miss hearing the sound of your beautiful voice. I miss your jokes and the way you expressed yourself when you were angry and frustrated. I miss our "fuck the world" sessions and oh how I miss seeing your beautiful face. I only wish you could see what I see, your beauty and your tender heart. I wish all those beautiful encouraging words you told me, that u could say those words to yourself and believe it. I regret not being there for you and just hugging you and telling you that everything is okay. I wish I could have gone at your pace and somehow suppressed my needs and sexual desires. I'm sorry I couldn't do that.

Loving you now and I want you to have peace and joy in your life. It's time to end the pain and suffering.

So so so hard

A I yearn for you,  I pine for you. I want to rub my hands through your beautiful curly hair and hold my cheek tenderly next to yours like we did the first time we had lunch together. How can such a sweet loving woman come into my life and touch my heart just through one meet and a couple hugs. I would give anything to be with you, to hug you, to caress you and lie in bed with you gently kissing and cuddling you. I wish there was a way......

dear God please help me

Please help me with the day today, i know that so many people are suffering and all i want is to just let go please god, just help me let go of A. , just help me be at peace with myself, please dear God. I’m so fucking drained. I’m so drained of Gossip and people pleasing. i just want to do the best I can. do your step work Krisen, commit your burdens to me

trying new things - Improv meetup group

Yesterday I attended a meetup group for improv. It was scary and fun and I really had to motivate myself to attend. It's hard to try out new things, especially where I have to put myself out there. I texted my friend Reena to make my commitment. Highlights from the class: participating and laughing with a couple guys. Lowlights, being emasculated by a young lady during the scene where we are stranded on park with a bear. I wanted to leave after an hour into it but I stayed for practice till   5 minutes to the end. so that was good practice for me to break out of isolation.

Quote on Albion library window

Albion library is a beautiful Toronto library.  Ita got a nice design and it's a pleasant surprise given the low income rexdale area that I live in. The library is very youth focussed and there are quotes from youth on the window. Here's what's in front of me now.

Why is it that everytime 

I turn on the news 

Theres another tragedy,

Another man shot

And ripped away from his family?

Why is it that everytime

I scroll through my feed

Theres always a "pray for this country"

Because innocent people

Are suffering through brutality?

Why is it that we have accepted this as our reality?

Why is it that we suffer in silence?

Why is it that we don't break this circle of violence?

        - Ahanti