it’s been 4 days since I last contacted her. it’s getting easy an it’s getting harder. not the same waves of grief I felt before, i guess because everything that needed to be said has been said, and I feel some hurt and resentment.
Here’s What i didn’t like about her:
- i couldn’t chat on the phone with her..not her fault but It sucked because i like to talk on the phone.
- her desire to have a kid to help with recovery, that’s ass backwards thinking..good for her maybe but definitely not good for the kid.
- her self centeredness. I would say something and then it wasn’t about me, it was about her. I really couldn’t figure her out until i started to feel like holy fuck my needs are not getting met.
- the threat of “if you leave me”, i will be heatbroken etc…emotionall blackmail.
- her childishness, not over emails but more over texting, i guess who she was when she let down her guard.
- her sense of entitlment, and blaming her behaviours solely on her ED and not taking responsiblity for her actions
- rejecting me, maybe not without merit but it still sucks monkey balls
- telling me she loved and adored me and to find out it was just as a friend…what the fuck!!!
- how she baited me by taking my number from the phone list and then texting me..like did i even have a chance given my state of neediness.
- when i asked her to tell me a joke it was so bloody childish that It didn’t even make me smile. when I asked a guy my age to tell me a joke, he sent me one and I howled.
- not understanding her white priviledge.. like if that happend to a black person she would be in prison for many years..this is not about A, it’s more about the ignorance of people in general and more my frustrations about the state of the world in general.
- Taking me for granted when i sent her stuff and her NEVER sending me anything in return, except for her ED writing…which was really really good, see what i liked about her.
- not beoing able to differentiate that stealing is stealing, whether its a block of cheese or an iphone, it’s the same fucking thing.
- How could I possibly trust her, when she lied to me, mabye it’s because of her anxiety and not wanting to meet me etc..but still.
- that I wanted her to stop her bullimia and i was powerless to help her stop. This is on me.
- Every now and then she would rage on me..and I was really irritated by her self pity.
Here’s what i liked about her:
- Such a sweet senstive and beautiful heart
- took an active interest in my life and shared my pain with me and loved me anyway.
- Didn’t want to lead me on or hurt me, i appreciated that.
- helped me and supported me and wanted me to grow except for times when she made comments that sounded jealous, “ like when I told her i cold turkey quit coffee..she said “I’m one of those guys that goes all in” it wasn’t that supportive.
- so fucking gorgeous - illusion because it was maitained by purging.