Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Grateful day

Glorious swim
Nice chat with my new happy friend Gustavo
‎Chats with luanne,nick and Terry my sponsor
Nice nap
Holding my self and keeping safe with mom fight
Gym and oa meeting
Steam code Work at starbucks
‎Finding a great pair of shoes
Nice warm chat with Aivar
Hugs from ladies in program
Playing with the money teddy bear
Great meals today..so blessed to eat like a king
Great friend in Roy
Sharing at the OA phone meeting. 
Checking out value village and winners
Nice visit with the Fido peeps!

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Withdrawal

A. Told me that when she said she loved me it was as a friend. And then tried to soften the message. I feel so hurt and angry and rejected. And now I realize I did the same when I told someone that I loved them just to get them in bed. We had a talk after that..she told me don't be careless when using the word love.it stuck with me and I made an assumption with A. that love meant being in love. I feel gutted about that. It's triggering of past betrayals and hurts.
I feel sadness more than anger and I feel exhaustion.. I don't know what I feel about A. anymore..just feel so fucking used. 
I've given up on love with a woman...fuck that! Maybe I'm destined to be with a guy..my mom says it's the same no matter guy or woman..i don't know the most compatible I felt was with my guy friend P.we got each other and ‎he said he ended up getting a woman like me. Maybe so..I hate fucking comparisons. So there it is..another emotionally charged mindfuck. Similar to the lady from MUFG...arggghh.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Pining in my heart

A. Thank you for the love you gave me, the tender words and oh how beautifully you write. I admire you and miss hearing the sound of your beautiful voice. I miss your jokes and the way you expressed yourself when you were angry and frustrated. I miss our "fuck the world" sessions and oh how I miss seeing your beautiful face. I only wish you could see what I see, your beauty and your tender heart. I wish all those beautiful encouraging words you told me, that u could say those words to yourself and believe it. I regret not being there for you and just hugging you and telling you that everything is okay. I wish I could have gone at your pace and somehow suppressed my needs and sexual desires. I'm sorry I couldn't do that.
Loving you now and I want you to have peace and joy in your life. It's time to end the pain and suffering.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

So so so hard

A I yearn for you,  I pine for you. I want to rub my hands through your beautiful curly hair and hold my cheek tenderly next to yours like we did the first time we had lunch together. How can such a sweet loving woman come into my life and touch my heart just through one meet and a couple hugs. I would give anything to be with you, to hug you, to caress you and lie in bed with you gently kissing and cuddling you. I wish there was a way......

Friday, October 25, 2019

dear God please help me

Please help me with the day today, i know that so many people are suffering and all i want is to just let go please god, just help me let go of A. , just help me be at peace with myself, please dear God. I’m so fucking drained. I’m so drained of Gossip and people pleasing. i just want to do the best I can. do your step work Krisen, commit your burdens to me

Sunday, July 28, 2019

trying new things - Improv meetup group

Yesterday I attended a meetup group for improv. It was scary and fun and I really had to motivate myself to attend. It's hard to try out new things, especially where I have to put myself out there. I texted my friend Reena to make my commitment. Highlights from the class: participating and laughing with a couple guys. Lowlights, being emasculated by a young lady during the scene where we are stranded on park with a bear. I wanted to leave after an hour into it but I stayed for practice till   5 minutes to the end. so that was good practice for me to break out of isolation.

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Quote on Albion library window

Albion library is a beautiful Toronto library.  Ita got a nice design and it's a pleasant surprise given the low income rexdale area that I live in. The library is very youth focussed and there are quotes from youth on the window. Here's what's in front of me now.

Why is it that everytime 
I turn on the news 
Theres another tragedy,
Another man shot
And ripped away from his family?
Why is it that everytime
I scroll through my feed
Theres always a "pray for this country"
Because innocent people
Are suffering through brutality?
Why is it that we have accepted this as our reality?
Why is it that we suffer in silence?
Why is it that we don't break this circle of violence?
        - Ahanti

Sunday, May 26, 2019

pics today

I discovered a burnt out corn field next to a runway at pearson intl that I can get some cool close ups of planes landing. It was a bit damp from all the rain we've been having but I will get a pair of galoshes and try again later this week. I'm fascinated by planes, they look so majestic, truly one of the best inventions of human species. Today's pics was more of the flowers and colours. I'm using a canon eos5d (original one) and a wide angle lens. Next time i will break out my telephoto lens but gosh that is heavy to carry around.   I'm happy to find this field, it seems abandoned and I wonder when it will be developed.